What 2012 Means To Me + A Moral Dilemma

As the fireworks went off early from my neighbours at 9am, my dog jumped into my lap scared shitless of the bangs and screaming all around. I sat in front of the tele watching MTV and playing Age Of Mythology <3. I continued to watch MTV Classic till about 12 and almost forgot to switch back to Channel 9 because i was too busy laughing my ass off at South Park.


As me and Poncho both sat watching the fireworks i didn't feel excited or exuberant. Instead i felt empty and sentimental. The aerial shots of the fireworks only made it more clear to me how small and insignificant we all are and the countdown only served as a cruel reminder of the fact that I'm still going to die and my life is slowly ending one minute at a time.


In order to switch my mood i decided to counter the annoying party music that was being played from all the neighbours. I went over to the stereo and started playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit"at max volume. The floor beneath me began to shake and the walls of my house began to pulse. As i ran around opening my windows i was jumping around screaming and head banging like a crazy fuck. I felt ecstatic and overwhelmed. After that i finished convulsing at the end of the song, i realised my dog was still in the room   and his face said : "dude... what the fuck....." 


and then i played Age Of Mythology for another 3 hours + chasing my dog around the garden at 2am.


This morning i was awoken by my mother screaming that i had to go church. FUCKING HELL MAN FIRST DAY OF THE YEAR I HAD TO GO LISTEN TO SOME RETARDED WHITE ROBED PEDOPHILE. When i reached the place i thought FUCK THIS im going to go sit outside and listen to music.


Now this is the sort of shit that would get me kicked out so as i sat outside i had millions of scenarios run thorough my head. 

"Ok i have a wallet with 70 bucks, house keys, a phone with music and half battery, should i go back and grab some clothes? What about the money i have stashed in my floor? Should i call someone to ask to stay? should i grab some food and water? how much can i carry? Should i grab my japan plane ticket? OH FUCK what about my dog? will the bus driver give me an exception and let me on the bus with him? should i walk it all the way to my friends place? won't i run out of food? etc. etc. 


As i was contemplating my escape a lady walked up to me and said can you pass a message to priest? She left me a letter which was about a dying old woman in a nursing home who wanted the priest to perform her last rites before before she died.


As i sat there i had a small mental battle. One side of me wanted to give the letter to the priest and be a morally upright person. The other side of me wanted to rip it up and just burn the letter to ashes and say good fucking riddance to the old bitch who choose to waste her whole life in God and just let her die in fear of the nothingness she would receive in time.


Now since i have been able to write this post it means that i did give the letter in the end and that calmed my parents and so i have not been kicked out yet.
But fuck i REALLY wanted to burn that fucking letter and i still do.


( My next rant will be my official declaration of my undying love for Amy Lee <3)


also i just realised i didnt think about grabbing my passport and birth certificate *holy crap*

Family & Friends

To any friends of mine who are reading i wish you all the best for the New Year


Any haters i hope 2012 leads to your swift death.

Now back on topic. Family, what is family? Well from what i remember of legal studies, it is the fundamental group unit of society. Coming from a family which constantly tries to hammer the idea that blood is more important, I'm proud to say that i do not share the same archaic view. Just to make it clear i despise and loathe my blood family with a dark hatred the origins of which i cannot even begin the remember why. Obviously this means i will have no immediate family in future.


But i see things different, family is whoever i want it to be. My friends, albeit the few i have are my family. To be completely honest, the HSC never really worried me, I'm actually surprised i got over 80 considering the fact that i was winging it. I was always more worried about whether the few friends i had would still accept me once they realised how sick and twisted i was.


I'm going to be a dog and tell you the story of a friend of mine in high school. I'm sure everyone whose bothered to read this knows about Dennis Guo, now hes the nicest guy you will ever meet and im really glad i got to know him more. His niceness factor multiplied x 100 when he became Christian (whyyyy). Now one of the major flaws of my character is my inability to forgive most people. In year 7 or something, Dennis came over my place and my parents pulled him aside and questioned him about what i was like at school. 


Now i know Dennis was only doing what he thought was best when he told my parents that i didnt really forgive people which is 99.99% true but MY GOD i suddenly hated Dennis soo much that it was hard to conceal and suppress. I spent the next few years tormenting him at every chance, something which i now deeply regret. When Dennis became Christian it was about the time i started to slowly reveal my darker side. This made it more awkward and i became less inclined to reveal my secrets to him, fearing that my news of my deep hatred of my family and my plans to one day leave them would reach them. Now school is over and i havent been able to connect with Dennis as much as i used to. He did come over once but i suspect it was only because we had mutual friends over.


Dennis is just another example of a friend i fear i will lose ( or probably have already begun to lose), once i abandon my family and try to live on my own as it will show how cold hearted i can be. If my friends cant accept me... well at least ill have my dog 

YEAH HE FUCKING LOVES BACON STRIPS

I often reflect on the fact that animals are sometimes better than humans. Humans can feign emotions and murder and rape one another without empathy. A dogs love for his friend is honest and truthful. But if even my own beloved Poncho will not love me, then i guess i deserve to die alone

When you have so much you want to write about but you can't put it in words

I hate writing shit, it is so stupid. What's my problem today?
Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm helpless to what comes out my hand?

I hate writing shit, it is so stupid. Why do I feel this way?
Feelings in my heart, I'm in way too far. Can't - it won't go away...

I hate writing shit, ain't looking forward to it. What's fucked up today?
Writing all this time, feeling all that's mine come right out my hand.

- Jonathan Davis (Korn)

v\

Random

 On the train today, a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, a lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing. 

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So i was forced to go to a fucking church last night and celebrate the birth of a demigod who was born around 2000 years ago more or less. first of all, this is based off "historical" accounts written by sheepherders 2 fucking millennia ago and people are still taking this shit as fact? i mean fucking hell seriously, the bible claims to be a irrefutable source when there are no other historical accounts that Jesus even fucking existed, the first of which only started to appear around 30 to 40 years after he supposedly ascended into heaven. Having read this stupid fucking book of contradictions i have realised that God kills more people than Satan throughout the whole thing, dont even get me started on the amount of wars that have been started supposedly in Gods name.

 I sometimes feel sad as i watch all these brainless retards devoting their entire life to something which has not been proven to even exist, then it hits me, its because we are all human, we are scared of death, it is the end, which is why religious retards need something to fall back onto, so that they can hope that there is something after death, well there isnt you stupid fucks, there was nothingness before you were born, now your life is ticking away slowly and soon we shall reach the end of our miserable insignificant lives and return to that sensation for nothingness, for me its not death that scares me, its the pain i might feel before dying that frightens me.

"In 'The Similarion' by J.R.Tolkien, the supreme being Ilúvatar gave the Elves the Gift of Immortality and Men the Gift of Death. The shadow of the first Dark Lord brought with it a perversion of the original intent of the Gift of Ilúvatar, and brought fear out of hope, and tainted the Gift. Men began to fear and despise the gift, and began to view it not as liberation, but as damnation. It brought about in the race of Men a kind of self-loathing and a denial of the basic nature of their being as the children of the All-Father Eru Ilúvatar. Instead they viewed themselves as flawed in some way and sought to resist this very intrinsic nature of their creation.

The spirits of Men truly leave the physical world, and do not return. Thus their fates are completely sundered from that of the Elves, who do not die until the world dies, unless slain by violence or ill chance, or by wearying at the last of the passage of centuries. But as the years grow long and Time wears, even the Valar will come to envy the gift of Ilúvatar to the race of Men, that of liberation from the physical world, and the inevitability of loss and sorrows that must come with this existence within Arda."

Now i have never been religious or spiritual but after i read this passage i adopted a new spiritual stance. Death is a gift that we receive after a lifetime of anguish suffering pain anger love hate whatever, a gift of peacefullness that we experience after going through the long and tiresome journey that is our lives.

People who are against gay marriage

Now if theres a contemporary topic i dont understand its the debate about same sex marriage. A little while back on television they had just announced New York had passed legislation allowing same sex marriage. I turned to my hardcore christian parents and with a straight face tried to ask them "What would you think if they passed same sex laws in Australia?"

The shitstorm that unsured you would not fucking believe, rantings about how it was against God's intentions, disgusting, unholt, work of satan.... ok ill admit it i do find the idea pretty fucking despicable HOWEVER we must take a step back and think, how would we react if we weren't allowed to be happy? i mean for FUCKS SAKE i know its kinda against nature what gays are doing but hey if being homo is what makes them happy, then who the fuck are we to say otherwise.

The only negative consequence would be that maybe we'd get a wedding invite and maybe they would have to meet their in laws (shitstorm definitely be a'brewin). Apart from that we would rarely hear from them. When will people stop being such assholes and just leave them be.

Abortion

From my man George Carlin may he rest in peace you goddamn genius

Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked.

Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, moraly committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly.

Here's another question I have: how come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why?

'Cuz chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz chickens are decent people.

But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say 'we have two children and one on the way' instead of saying 'we have three children?' People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along. 

And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says 'Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.' Fertilization.

But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.
Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said 'Suffer the little children come unto me', that's not what he was talking about!
So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say 'Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.' I tell them 'Think of an abortion as term limits. That's all it is. Bioligical term limits.
Lyrics www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/george_carlin/ 

Music #1 - Nirvana

Nirvana is a concept central in Indian religions. It is the state of being free or liberated from suffering.

In the music world however, the word 'Nirvana' conjures up images of 'grunge' or 'alternative' and flashes of a guy with blond hair screaming something about 'a denial'. Kurt Cobain, quick as flash was given the title "Spokesperson of Generation X (90's)" after they were embraced by mainstream angsty teenagers through the hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit. 


After the failure of glam rock and roll due to Guns and Roses long awaited and 100% craptacular follow up album to the 'Appetite for Destruction', grunge, with its heavily distorted guitars & irregular beats slowly stirred up from the underground scenes of Seattle and was finally exposed to the public with Nirvanas arrival.

But the question remains, was Nirvana any good? Before frontman Kurt Cobain supposedly suicided or fell victim to foul play in April 1994 they had released 3 studio albums

1. Bleach - Grungiest Shit Ever, lyrics written in 5 mins before recording

2. Nevermind - Brought alternative rock to the masses, widely regarded as one of the best rock albums of all time

3. In Utero - Reverted back to heavy distortion and massive amp feedback as a reaction of Kurt towards his publicised personal life and the bands newfound fame

Now if one were to try and listen to this band, they would realise that about 95% of Kurt Cobains lyrics made NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL!! even Cobain has claimed that most of the lyrics were written the night before recording while he was feeling "pissed off", and that he did not regard them highly. In the song 'Sliver' Kurt writes about being forced to go to his grandparents house as his parents go to watch a show, managing to turn such a simple scene into one of frustration that forces the listener to empathise with him even if they've never had to do that. The song "Lithium' has a chorus that solely comprises of the word "YEAH!" screamed over and over again. And to this day do no one has ANY fucking clue as to whether 'Heart Shaped Box' is about little kids with cancer or his relationship with Courtney Love.

If theres one that increases my respect for any band is an "UNPLUGGED" session, where bands swap their distortion pedals for acoustic guitars, transpose everything in different musical keys and perhaps swap their drums for Taiko drums, proving that they really know their shit. Anyone who has never watched Nirvanas Unplugged performance in 1994 on MTV should check it out via youtube

If we think back in time pretty much all the music that has ever been made has roots in classical music. Classical music relied on stirring up emotions through the intricate melodies and rhythms. Just as classical music did not rely on lyrics, Kurt Cobain did not rely heavily on lyrics and instead opted to use the sound of 'grunge' in order to stir in the its audiences a sense of melancholy, angst, frustration or whatever he felt like at the time.


Kurt understood the beauty of minimalism and the importance of music that's stripped down

Kurt Cobain was a sad and misunderstood man who knew peace only though the music he made. He was bipolar and heavily reliant on the drug heroin. Originally use to cope with the pain from his curved spine, it eventually became too much of an addiction and was one of the leadings factors in his death. The sad realisation is that if he had not worked so hard and forced himself to learn guitar left handed his curved spine may have re corrected itself over time and thus he wouldn't have been so dependent on heroin and have become a member of the 27 Club. 

But i still reckon he was killed i mean LOOK HOW FUCKING HAPPY HE IS WITH HIS DAUGHTER ... but then he was bipolar, was in extreme pain constantly due to his spine, became figurehead of an entire generation, got married and had a child all in the space of 3 years .. maybe it was too much for him.

With Cobains death in 1994 the grunge movement died with him and bands such as Soundgarden, Alice In Chains and Pearl Jam stuck around for a little while before sinking back underground. Then came the emergence of a new genre of mainstream rock, namely Nu-Metal, a mixture of rock and rap (mostly rock though). Numetal was pure aggression - bands like Korn and Staind sang about their rage at parents, teachers, ex girlfriends, pretty much anyone who was around. Kids who grew up with Nirvana turned on MTV one day and saw that their idol was dead. Naturally their reaction was raw unadulterated anger and who could blame them?. Cobain's death meant that the reward for believing and staying true to yourself came with a lifetime of mental and physical anguish escapable only through self sacrifice. 

Did i ever mention that the drummer (guy on the right) is Dave Grohl who went on to front the Foo Fighters?

IMO Grunge isn't a real genre. It was made up by record companies trying to put a label on something they couldn't understand.