2013

I don't know what to write. Another year has passed and i very different and yet somehow still the same old and weary "soul" I've always been.

It came to me when I tried to classify our species and I realized that we're not actually "mammals". Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but humans do not. We move to an area and We multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. We are the plague.

There are so many levels on which i feel an immense frustration life and humanity in general. I am so bloody sick of living but i don't want to die just yet. I don't know its a complicated issue. I guess i could put it like this. I wish i had a button that i would carry in my palm at all times that would only materialize when i mentally willed it to and once pushed would cause me to fall asleep and never wake up again. That for me would be how i would want to die. Everyday I am frightened and paranoid and scared of how i will die. Will it be by a slow and torturous cancer, a horrific and gory homicide or a simple vehicle accident. Not knowing keeps me tense and vulnerable.

The whole concept of needing to find a person you could have a relationship is foreign to me. As a friend of mine acknowledged just last night during a open session of talking my self esteem and sense of self worth has been shot near beyond repair. And I find myself agreeing with an angry statement from another friend about my tendency to jump from one job or career path to another and how it probably meant that i would do the same thing to a person with whom i might start a relationship. It is but my nature to want change i don't want my life to be just conforming blindly and being wholly ignorant of the objective truth. Whether i find this objective truth is another issue.

My life at best is a failure in others eyes and a illusion to myself somewhere between moments of blissful happiness and feelings of such emptiness that i long for a way out. I spent the last two days staying over at a friends house and did the usual drinking chatting playing music and cards watching movies talk sessions and what not. It was a great feeling to be around my friends yet on the way home my music player had run out of batteries. It was an hours trek back home and i walked slower with each step feeling just so lost and alone. All around me people were stumbling on trains and path ways drinking and celebrating the passing of another year and welcoming a new year. All i could think of was who fucking cares. Superficial and materialistic bastards the lot of them. You're just a year closer to rotting in the fucking ground.

I have a relative morality which means i can alter my moral position at any given time to suit my tastes. Such as advocating group sex while abhorring group prayer. It seems hypocritical now as me of all people who would murder and rape you in ways you cannot even begin to imagine in my mind... is thinking of a possible career in social work. Think of the poor children who would be exposed to such a maniac.

A few days ago i applied for an Arts/Social Work degree. In the arts component one must choose a subject from table A and one from table B. From table A i may consider studying history. Why history? Because after leaving high school i realized i knew almost nothing of the worlds issues and i don't want to remain so ignorant. I want to understand past events and their significance and impact on the present. 

From table B I will choose History and Philosophy of Science. Why? Because while I would no doubt be an opposing collection of ethics and morals in the classroom I want to understand at least the issues surrounding Science at both a physical and philosophical level which i believe i would enjoy more than having to do the raw calculations that a required in purely scientific degrees.

It has come to light recently however that i may be able to study Music instead of History. Now personally i think that while i may not have the necessary imagination and creative originality required to create really good music this is my only chance at seeing what might have been. Music is such a big part of my life and keeps me going everyday like a dose of beneficial vitamins that i think I'd be a fool not to see where i could take Music as an academic and creative outlet.

Many of my peers regard my frustration and obsession with my past bullying as something that can be just cleared away or thrown aside. I am told just let it go. Well to those who continue along this line of thought i say fuck you all. Would you go to a recently fresh victim of sexual assault and after listening to their troubles just look them in the eye and say who cares just move on and forget about it. Try telling that to any victim be it mental or physical abuse to just fucking forget about it.

Here is where it gets tricky. I have a very low tolerance for humans and I find that i usually am impervious to the general feelings of full grown humans who i have almost no respect for. I find it interesting that generally it is those who are shunned by the general populace, the introverted ones and non conformists that find it better to associate and feel better dealing with animals or with small children. 

Why is that? Because children and animals are in a sense innocent. Animals are innocent in the sense that of all the animals, man is the only one that hunts its own kind but with a sense of pleasure and sometimes sexual excitement, a rather alarming and negative evolutionary leap in my opinion from the killings necessary for an animals survival.

With small children i find that those like me appreciate the importance of teaching young-lings as they are no doubt the future and their innocence should be protected in one way or a another and knowing that children are more open to emotionally accepting us. But here is my problem. Knowing that any children i deal with will most likely eventually grow up and become just more stupid mindless sheep being herded by those in power I would probably if the situation required it immediately be able to detach myself emotionally from these children having given into the frustration that is social media and peer pressure which will no doubt corrupt the innocence of these children..... Not that I am entirely against "corruption" as what one may consider as corruption another may regard it was necessary enlightenment.

Social work at best I feel gives me a career that involves interacting with people and I guess it will be a matter of smoothing out my tolerance of humans and a test in my resolve to stick to one career or idea. But then why should I stick to one ideal just because I've been told over and over that it is better. I would do well to admit to myself that i am actually really hoping to be able to make a living from my Arts component and not become chained to the mindless corporate system till the day i rot.

I do not particularly like the idea of going back to university and becoming a debt slave for the majority of my remaining years but i have to admit it would a once in a lifetime experience in learning more about the world and maybe, just maybe find some more people or friends i could share my thoughts with especially my darker imaginings. I don't want to keep on hiding my true nature just for the sake of social expectations. Fuck social expectations. Fuck conformity. Fuck materialism. Fuck consumerism. Fuck it all. Fuck this world. Fuck everything that you stand for.

It was around a year ago today that i decided to open this blog and pour my thoughts as a form of therapy (which doesn't really work i have found) and for anyone who happened to be passing by. It was a year ago today that i decided to be brutally honest in expressing myself and saving myself the trouble of having to compulsively lie over and over to maintain a somewhat acceptable social persona. 

It was a year ago today that i realized that while I try to come off as a very logical and intelligent person I am not actually very good at translating my thoughts into everyday talk and find it easier to write things my thoughts out. Even so I am not articulate even at the written level and thus I must admit with a hint of self defeat that I am person whose life is mostly regulatedby frequent sudden bursts of emotion.

I have been writing for 4 hours now and have very little to show for it. Well here it is 2013. I'm not very big on resolutions but mine this year is to simply try and stop caring so much. Why do i even fucking bother.

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.  You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost heap.

We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world. 

 

Repeat After Me

              I Am Motherfucking Free



hahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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A Great man who was born on the 25th of December

 

Sir Isaac Newton (25 December 1642  – 20 March 1727 ) was an English physicist, mathematician, astronomer, natural philosopher, alchemist and theologian, who has been considered by many to be the greatest and most influential scientist who ever lived. Although his career was long and littered with success, there were four discoveries that were considered to be his most important.

Law of universal gravitation
 
Thoughts of gravitation entered Newton’s head as result of a certain apple tree and the tree’s falling fruit. In 1666, while Newton was sitting in the manor house garden at Woolsthorpe, he saw an apple fall from a tree. This triggered certain thoughts that he had been having about gravitation. Despite popular belief, the apple did not fall on his head. What actually happened was that he saw an apple fall from an apple tree and he began to wonder why it fell. From there his thoughts broadened to the rotation of the moon. It was already common knowledge that the moon revolved around the Earth and the planets revolved around the sun. This was caused by gravity.

What Newton wanted to know was why the moon revolved around the earth instead of simply being pulled into the earth like the apple was. This brainstorm (which some scholars suspect Newton may have invented late in life) ultimately led to his law of universal gravitation. The law says that all particles of matter in the universe attract every other particle, that gravitational attraction is a property of all matter. The law explained many things, from the orbits of the planets around the sun to the influence of the moon and sun on the tides. And it held sway as the accepted description of terrestrial and celestial mechanics for almost 200 years, until Einstein came along and rocked the boat with relativity.

Three laws of motion

Newton’s laws of motion are three physical laws that form the basis for classical mechanics. They describe the relationship between the forces acting on a body and its motion due to those forces. They have been expressed in several different ways over nearly three centuries and can be summarized as follows:

1st law: If an object experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the object is either at rest (if its velocity is zero), or it moves in a straight line with constant speed (if its velocity is nonzero).  

2nd law: The acceleration a of a body is parallel and directly proportional to the net force F acting on the body, is in the direction of the net force, and is inversely proportional to the mass m of the body, i.e., F = ma. 

3rd law: When a first body exerts a force F₁ on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force F₂ = −F₁ on the first body. This means that F₁ and F₂ are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.Theory of light and color

Newton became stuck while trying to figure out what the radius of the earth was in order to help him prove his Universal Law of Gravitation. Rather than guess and take a chance that he might be wrong, he decided to put the project on hold and study something else. That something else optics, or the study of color and light. From 1670 to 1672, Newton lectured on optics. During this period he investigated the refraction of light, demonstrating that a prism could decompose white light into a spectrum of colours, and that a lens and a second prism could recompose the multicoloured spectrum into white light.

He also showed that the coloured light does not change its properties by separating out a coloured beam and shining it on various objects. Newton noted that regardless of whether it was reflected or scattered or transmitted, it stayed the same colour. Thus, he observed that colour is the result of objects interacting with already-coloured light rather than objects generating the colour themselves.

From this work, he concluded that the lens of any refracting telescope would suffer from the dispersion of light into colours (chromatic aberration). As a proof of the concept, he constructed a telescope using a mirror as the objective to bypass that problem.

Calculus

When Newton began to muse on the problem of the motion of the planets and what kept them in their orbits around the sun, he realized that the mathematics of the day weren’t sufficient to the task. Properties such as direction and speed, by their very nature, were in a continuous state of flux, constantly changing with time and exhibiting varying rates of change. So he invented a new branch of mathematics, which he called the fluxions (later known as calculus). Calculus allowed him to draw tangents to curves, determine the lengths of curves, and solve other problems that classical geometry could not help him solve.

 Interestingly, Newton’s masterwork, the Principia, doesn’t include the calculus in the form that he’d invented years before, simply because he hadn’t yet published anything about it. But he did combine related methods with a very high level of classical geometry, making no attempt to simplify it for his readers. The reason was, he said, “to avoid being baited by little Smatterers in Mathematicks.”

T'was The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
I had my lass purring as I unbuttoned her blouse.
The stockings removed my hands in her hair,
I’m going to fuck her with my dick all bare.

No children, of course, they fill me with dread,
Meanwhile visions of pounding danced in her head.
With me in my suit, her bent over my lap,
I ripped off her knickers and gave her arse a slap.

When out on the blue I felt a splatter,
She let out a scream and I asked what’s the matter.
She’d cum so hard and it hit like a flash,
Tore open my shirt and got ready to bash.

The moon on her breast gave a beautiful glow,
She gave a wry smile as she went down below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
She looked me in the eye as she licked my spear.

I’m dripping with saliva, so lively and quick,
I knew in that moment she wanted my dick.
More rapid than eagles I felt exactly the same,
I bent her over and thrusted and she called out my name!

She’s a thrasher! Now dancer! Now romancer, a vixen!
“On, Come on! It’s stupid I want it on my tits, son!”
She got up, as did I and pushed her up against the wall.
“Now bash away! Thrash away! Give me your all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
I pulled back her hair and looked her in the eye.
Faster and harder, deep breaths she now drew,
She sang as she came, her mind just blew.

And then, in a twinkling, I acted aloof,
She collapsed on the floor, her only word “oof”.
As I drew her on the bed, and turned her around,
I came on her face, the bitch nearly drowned.

She continued to purr, shook from head to foot,
She climaxed again, a bonus to boot!.
A bundle of joy, she flopped on her back,
She couldn’t believe it, I just have a knack.

Her eyes-how they twinkled! She was so merry!
It's almost as if I'd just taken her cherry!
It was like firing a shot across her bow,
She didn't exactly know what to do now.

I started to stroke her, she gritted her teeth,
I pushed back inside her, she was beyond belief.
I fucked her for hours, then came on her belly,
As all of you read this I guess you’ll feel jelly!

She still wanted more and played with herself,
It’s a matter of pride so I did it myself!
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
I got back on top and we soon broke the bed.

We both lay there panting, we’d both been berserk,
She put her hand on my cock and started to jerk.
Did I have one left in me, I do I suppose,
And giving a nod, to the challenge I rose!

He got back inside her, and she started to whistle
I had to let you all know, so I began this epistle.
I heard her exclaim, “you do things just right”,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FAGGOTS

**.°★。˛ °. *★* *˛.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FUCKING MAGGOTS

Normally i would write up a summary of the pagan origins of Christmas (god i fucking hate christmas)

But being the lazy bastard i am here is a picture to explain it to you faggots

 

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS YOU FUCKING FILTHY ANIMALS I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU

 

Science is Interesting, if you don't agree you can Fuck Off

Quarks make up protons, electrons, and neutrons (kind of still a pseudoscience right now)

FACT:

Neturons and protons form the nucleus, which is orbited by electrons. This is an atom.

Electrons are shared between multiple atoms, bonding the atoms to make molecules.

Molecules share their electrons (the ones on the edges) with other electrons. This makes up all kinds of matter, ranging from gasses-liquids-solids-plasma Example: Water.

Sometimes so many different types of matter combine and interact in a way that just might cause it to LIVE. This living thing is called a cell. It contains DNA which is formed from molecules. And other little "organelles" which are formed from molecules.
This CELL multiples. It becomes millions of cells. That becomes billions of cells, which in turn becomes trillions of cell. This is called a HUMAN.

Humans live on EARTH. A planet composed of protons, neutrons and electrons (potentially quarks). This EARTH is 1 of 8 planets, which revolve around SUN. 

 

SUN is composed mainly many many "1 proton, with 1 revolving electron" type atoms called HYDROGEN.

This Hydrogen has a mass, which causes it to be attracted to other hydrogen atoms. This is called GRAVITY. I have no fucking clue how gravity works. If you find out, let me know.
              

GRAVITY causes the hydrogen to "suck" more hydrogen to it. Causes a big ball of hydrogen. The bigger it grows, the heavier it gets, the more it attracts, the bigger it grows. Pressure increases. As pressure increases, space between hydrogen atoms decreases. When this happens, they start to HIT each other. Creating friction, and heat.

When they get HOT and TIGHT enough, the PROTONS from the nucleus actually begin to TOUCH. They form new molecules, with 2 protons and 2 electrons: HELIUM! 

 

Helium is dope shit, when you inhale it you may black or just get really dizzy. It makes your voice squeaky.

TL;DR - Quarks make your voice squeaky (maybe)

What Would Happen If You Fell into a Black Hole?

(I wanna die by going through a black hole)

Black holes are without question some of the strangest places in the universe. So massive that they hideously deform space and time, so dense that their centers are called “points at infinity,” and pitch-black because not even light can escape them, it isn’t surprising that so many people wonder what it would be like to visit one.

It’s not exactly a restive vacation spot, as it turns out.

If you were to take a step into a black hole, your body would most closely resemble “toothpaste being extruded out of the tube,” said Charles Liu, an astrophysicist who works at the American Museum of Natural History’s Hayden Planetarium.

Liu said that when an object crosses a black hole’s “event horizon” — its outer boundary, or point of no return — the same physics that causes Earth’s ocean tides takes effect. Gravity’s strength decreases with distance, so the moon pulls on the side of the Earth closer to it a bit more vigorously than the side farther from it, and as a result, Earth elongates ever so slightly in the direction of the moon. 

The land is sturdy, so it doesn’t move much, but the water on Earth’s surface is fluid, so it flows along the elongated axis. “That’s the tidal interaction,” he said.

Rising tides are about as calming a scene as any. A human toeing the line of a black hole? Not so much.

Near a black hole roughly the size of Earth, tidal forces become magnified off the scale. Swan-diving into one, the top of your head would feel so much more gravitational pull than the tips of your toes that you would be stretched, longer and longer.

 “[The British astrophysicist] Sir Martin Rees coined the term ‘spaghettification,’ which is a perfectly good way to put it. You eventually become a stream of subatomic particles that swirl into the black hole,” Liu said.

Because your brain would dissociate into its constituent atoms almost instantly, you’d have little opportunity to soak in the scenery at the threshold of an Earth-size black hole.

However, if you’re dead-set on diving into a space-time singularity, we recommend going big; larger black holes have less extreme surfaces. “If you had a black hole the size of our solar system, then the tidal forces at the event horizon … are not quite that strong. So you could actually maintain your structural integrity,” Liu said.

In that case, you would get to experience the effects of the curvature of space-time, predicted by Einstein’s general theory of relativity, firsthand.


“First of all, you approach the speed of light as you fall into the black hole. So the faster you move through space, the slower you move through time,” he said. 

“Furthermore, as you fall, there are things that have been falling in front of you that have experienced an even greater ‘time dilation’ than you have. 

So if you’re able to look forward toward the black hole, you see every object that has fallen into it in the past. And then if you look backwards, you’ll be able to see everything that will ever fall into the black hole behind you.

“So the upshot is, you’ll get to see the entire history of that spot in the universe simultaneously,” Liu said, “from the Big Bang all the way into the distant future.”

Not such a bad way to go, in the grand scheme of things.

Futility

About a month ago i visited my high school to wait for a friend. As i walked through the school taking in the view i realized that i had only gotten worse mentally since i left it. The way i see it i have a appreciative yet hateful relationship with my school but more importantly it was the environment that nurtured those who ridiculed me and nearly all but destroyed any sense of self worth, self confidence and social ability.

I appreciate that for 6 years i was tested and tried and though i felt like ending it all, i see it now as a test of my psyche. I may have emerged from school a bitter cynical depressed psychotic and socially inept individual but at least I am still alive. I took a few choice pictures of the school including a tree that was blossoming in beautiful shades of purple

I can't imagine ever being a teacher. I would most likely view my students as either life long friends or little shits who clearly were going to end humanity, but to be a catalyst of change, watching people funnel in and out year after year, decade after decade going on to be mindless debt slaves would be too depressing. I guess that's just my take on it all.

In all honesty i don't like most of my cohort, i don't like many from the year directly below but i do like a select few from 2 years below me. I don't know how exactly i became friends with some of these guys and gals, perhaps it was bonding through the brief Japanese exchange or just a slow getting to know one another during my final years.

 

I remember before i joined K11 i actually sat in one of the corridors with a group of year 9 girls, one of whom has become like a sister to me now, partly out of an off hand attachment and a desire to start over and think about what friendship truly meant to me. 

 

The game Kingdom Hearts had a big impact on my life as well, its beautiful storyline and soundtrack which i still listen to these days forcing me to rethink my entire concept of friendship. Now that i look back i don't know whether to feel awkward, embarrassed or stupid, but when my shitcunt of a brother destroyed my ps2 and Kingdom Hearts game i actually cried. I didn't know how to use a computer to look up music or anything so i thought all was lost. I remember locking myself in my room with a deep pit in my stomach. The characters and their struggles and the music meant more to me than anything at the time.

When i learned how to download music the first song i ever downloaded was "Dearly Beloved" and i felt relieved i had stumbled upon something magical and personal, a drug that would always be there to comfort me, sooth my emotions and help me to get on with my life. Even in the toughest times.

*wipes tear*

I should probably write a separate post that details the plot of Kingdom Hearts in future

My god its been more than a decade since i first played this game....

I just let my stream of conciousness run free for a second and i was listening to the KH soundtrack haha so back to school related issues. I found a picture a while ago that discussed grades. Being that I'm not very good at socializing in the last few days i thought i would wait a year and show this picture to my younger friends as my encouragement and inspiration to them.

I don't generally like the idea of birthdays as they just remind me of the inevitable but i think in order to give a shot at maintain my relationship with these younger guys and gals on my 20th birthday i think i might throw a party and invite anyone i can. I will try my best not to obsess over ticking closer to death but instead try to revere in the fact that I've survived for 20 years and have had the chance to embark on my own spritually awakening and self enlightening journey. Part of me truly doesn't want to lose these few younger friends which is strange considering that I have been gifted with the ability to turn off empathy at will.

However all these mixed feelings about school and such must have really stirred up my subconscious basin because i had a nightmare a few nights ago where i was trying to sell a phone plan to a customer (I've got a new job at Vodafone you see) but a group of loud mouth punks were shoving their way over and elbowed my customer out of the way. 

As they spat on the ground and pounded on the tables rabbling loudly i recognized one face out of the crowd of greyed out figures. It was Vincent Tran a boy from my high school days and his head was tilted back with his mouth wide open cackling madly slapping my computer screen aside. 

I had a large cup of water in my right hand and in desperation and frustration i threw it at him only to find that i had inadvertently let go of the cup and cut my palm open and all the water was spilled on the floor. The crowd roared even louder with pails of laughter and my ears began to ring. I began to sweat and i grasped my right wrist trying to stop my bleeding hand from dripping anymore. 

 

Suddenly everything turned a shade of black and the puddle on the floor became quicksand and i fell through the ground all sound and sight having been swept away in a flurry of black feathers. 

~ I may never be able to move on from this after all ~

On the other hand 10,000 views? Haha not sure what to make of this