In my life i have had two major infatuations. I have found them to be utterly socially embarrassing and frustrating periods of my life. One of these i have covered early in my blog. Another was an incident with a woman who I shall refer to as 'J'. Both incidents were quite lengthy spanning several weeks and months and i emerged from each period both angry at myself for being such an idiot but also with a sense of relief. It has been a year since my time around J and I have slowly reflected on my thought patterns and processes during that time. Its well known to those who have looked around here that I tend to just wank once in a while to drive off the urge and get on with my life. Also, having recently completed the saga of Neon Genesis Evangelion, an anime series which i consider to be a masterpiece of a commentary of human loneliness and depression, I came across the idea of the Hedgehogs Dilemma.
Ritsuko Akagi: Do you know the fable “The Hedgehog’s Dilemma?”
Misato Katsuragi: Hedgehog? You mean those animals with the spiny hair?
Ritsuko Akagi: Even though a hedgehog may want to become close with another hedgehog. The closer
they get the more they injure each other with their spines.
Misato Katsuragi: Hmm.
Ritsuko Akagi: It’s the same with some humans. The reason he seems so withdrawn is because he’s afraid - of being hurt.
Misato Katsuragi: Well, he’s… just… going to have to learn… someday…. That part of growing up
means finding a way to interact with others while distancing pain.
(I will dedicate a post one day to the inner workings of Neon Genesis Evangelion as a whole as i believe its story and characters are extremely relevant to anyhone who experiences loneliness or self inadequacy and it has created a commentary on the various barriers humans employ to protect themselves).
(I will dedicate a post one day to the inner workings of Neon Genesis Evangelion as a whole as i believe its story and characters are extremely relevant to anyhone who experiences loneliness or self inadequacy and it has created a commentary on the various barriers humans employ to protect themselves).
Today as I swept the work area of my factory I reflected on this concept, one that was quite evident in my own life. I believe that I have many physical flaws that make me unappealing as a person let alone as a romantic partner. However let me make it clear that I completely understand dear reader, that I am no doubt coming across as selfish, self defeating, self pitying, beta, useless etc. That i do not deny. It may rightly be so and if after you read this you come to that conclusion well uh you know that's just like uh your opinion man. I am overweight and due to social stress and social obligations I have neither the energy nor the motivation to exercise. Instead I gorge on junk food to relieve my stress.This lack of motivation and past experiences has led me to be quite loose with my grooming and hygiene needs. I am also quite short. So I am short fat and hairy,of course I can change if I could get off my ass but hey this is me right now. Changing myself physically aside, I believe that in the past I slowly shaped my mindset of disregarding the majority of outside opinions in order to protect myself.
I have never been the best at reading signs of interest yet I also read too deeply into signs. While I was volunteering at a Red Cross store in Burwood last year, one of my volunteering mates was a pretty bespectled girl who was at the time quite fidgety when we were close, when the store was empty she'd talk to me, laugh at practically anything i said and regularly stroke my arms and fiddled with my hair. Completely oblivious to the gravity of the situation, I thought ok what the heck I'll just stay calm and say nothing. This continued for a few weeks but with me either brushing it off as a normal habit of hers or just not noticing at all. It was only after recounting what i found to be a strange behaviour, that several friends bemoaned at my inability to pick up signs of interest.
In contrast, to illustrate a time where I fell too far down the rabbit hole, let me chronicle my time with 'J'.It was last year during a friends birthday party.Our earliest encounter was during the routine karaoke session after the birthday. As we picked songs we remarked oh my god you like the same kind of music as me? (It turned out to just be one or two artists). We exchanged contact details and during the week I didn't giver her too much thought, until she decided to crash a lecture of mine and we both agreed on how excited we were for the weekend.During the second karaoke session I did what i normally do when unknown songs come up, i try to guess way the rhythm goes and how the lyrics should be sung. Too much surprise however it seemed to be hilarious to J, who was either tipsy and overreacting or seemingly genuine so bemused that she was howling with laughter the entire time. I had heard that if a man could make a woman it was a sure sign that he was at least doing something right. On the way home it was only us two who needed to catch the nightbus. We sat mostly in silence listening some music while she wrapped her arm around mine. We swung around Mcdonalds and sat in my car talking until.around 4am. I would later find out that she was this close with everyone she met. I was torn between being confused due to my misreading of signs as well as what i perceived to be her underlying plot to just mess with me and emotionally sap or drain me like a kind of vixen or psychic vampire.Thinking back I seem to have just blamed her but at the time I thought does she not know what power she possesses? Doesn't she realise that the way chooses to act may be unintentionally (or intentionally?) bewildering other poor desperate souls like me?
In the ensuing weeks I tried to resist the urge to reply immediately to any messages. As a person who never calls or receive calls the frequency of the message exchange rate was at the time surprising even to me. We skyped a bit talking about pretty much anything. She read poetry of her own writing to me piqued my interest in her shared interest in science and the universe.We She also introduced me to the music of Kimbra, which while I will always be in her debt for, whenever I listen to Kimbra I find myself thinking of J, which tends to bring back painful memories. At the time it was a blessing yet also a curse. I recall now with shame how I sang to her over the microphone, as this incident most clearly echoed the first time I sang to a girl on a public train simply because she asked me to, only to see her laugh and ridicule me for actually carrying through with it. Singing and music in general, even just sharing it with others is to me a sacred and deeply personal issue. I suppose my inability to communicate this concept of mine led to my downfall. I consider both periods where I was utterly smitten with these women as periods of what seemed like deep sleep. Another shameful incident was when I invited her over to the place where i was renting to watch some movies. We sat close as we shared fruit and watched a few films. I recall how I breathed intoxicating smell of her hair, inching to hold her hand or to cuddle. Instead it was very sensible sitting not too far apart or too close. What can I say, I've never had any real practice or experience. Jesus Fucking Christ this is painful to recall. Both times when my mind imploded on itself and reawoke to the realization of the extent of my infatuation it was like waking up an operation that had me drugged and groggy. However I must have half woken up during one of those embarrassing singing sessions because I choose the song 'Wicked Game' by Stone Sour whose lyrics go like this.
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I knew somebody like you.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
With you. With you.
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt that way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
With you. With you.
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd need somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you no,
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No I…
No I…
Nobody loves no one.
I have never been the best at reading signs of interest yet I also read too deeply into signs. While I was volunteering at a Red Cross store in Burwood last year, one of my volunteering mates was a pretty bespectled girl who was at the time quite fidgety when we were close, when the store was empty she'd talk to me, laugh at practically anything i said and regularly stroke my arms and fiddled with my hair. Completely oblivious to the gravity of the situation, I thought ok what the heck I'll just stay calm and say nothing. This continued for a few weeks but with me either brushing it off as a normal habit of hers or just not noticing at all. It was only after recounting what i found to be a strange behaviour, that several friends bemoaned at my inability to pick up signs of interest.
In contrast, to illustrate a time where I fell too far down the rabbit hole, let me chronicle my time with 'J'.It was last year during a friends birthday party.Our earliest encounter was during the routine karaoke session after the birthday. As we picked songs we remarked oh my god you like the same kind of music as me? (It turned out to just be one or two artists). We exchanged contact details and during the week I didn't giver her too much thought, until she decided to crash a lecture of mine and we both agreed on how excited we were for the weekend.During the second karaoke session I did what i normally do when unknown songs come up, i try to guess way the rhythm goes and how the lyrics should be sung. Too much surprise however it seemed to be hilarious to J, who was either tipsy and overreacting or seemingly genuine so bemused that she was howling with laughter the entire time. I had heard that if a man could make a woman it was a sure sign that he was at least doing something right. On the way home it was only us two who needed to catch the nightbus. We sat mostly in silence listening some music while she wrapped her arm around mine. We swung around Mcdonalds and sat in my car talking until.around 4am. I would later find out that she was this close with everyone she met. I was torn between being confused due to my misreading of signs as well as what i perceived to be her underlying plot to just mess with me and emotionally sap or drain me like a kind of vixen or psychic vampire.Thinking back I seem to have just blamed her but at the time I thought does she not know what power she possesses? Doesn't she realise that the way chooses to act may be unintentionally (or intentionally?) bewildering other poor desperate souls like me?
In the ensuing weeks I tried to resist the urge to reply immediately to any messages. As a person who never calls or receive calls the frequency of the message exchange rate was at the time surprising even to me. We skyped a bit talking about pretty much anything. She read poetry of her own writing to me piqued my interest in her shared interest in science and the universe.We She also introduced me to the music of Kimbra, which while I will always be in her debt for, whenever I listen to Kimbra I find myself thinking of J, which tends to bring back painful memories. At the time it was a blessing yet also a curse. I recall now with shame how I sang to her over the microphone, as this incident most clearly echoed the first time I sang to a girl on a public train simply because she asked me to, only to see her laugh and ridicule me for actually carrying through with it. Singing and music in general, even just sharing it with others is to me a sacred and deeply personal issue. I suppose my inability to communicate this concept of mine led to my downfall. I consider both periods where I was utterly smitten with these women as periods of what seemed like deep sleep. Another shameful incident was when I invited her over to the place where i was renting to watch some movies. We sat close as we shared fruit and watched a few films. I recall how I breathed intoxicating smell of her hair, inching to hold her hand or to cuddle. Instead it was very sensible sitting not too far apart or too close. What can I say, I've never had any real practice or experience. Jesus Fucking Christ this is painful to recall. Both times when my mind imploded on itself and reawoke to the realization of the extent of my infatuation it was like waking up an operation that had me drugged and groggy. However I must have half woken up during one of those embarrassing singing sessions because I choose the song 'Wicked Game' by Stone Sour whose lyrics go like this.
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I knew somebody like you.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
With you. With you.
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt that way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
With you. With you.
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd need somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you no,
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
No I…
No I…
Nobody loves no one.
(I sincerely meant it yet I could not put it into words directly. Part of me knew it was too late I was already in the deep end, I guess I hoped she would pick up the hint. Reflecting back on it now I'm sure she just got creeped out and proceeded to slowly make it clear her uninterest.) Still I couldn't help but feel proud of myself as 'J' and other friends of mine struggled to grasp my wide spanning range of musical listening genres.What can I say haha.
Looking back now this was the 2nd time that I had been so infatuated with someone and I recall now not being able to concentrate on studies, not being able to sleep as literally everything I saw or heard reminded me of 'J'. I messaged friends for help and encouragement, yet even when one friend I told me that she was basically the same with every person I met, part of me hoped she was wrong that I was somehow special (jesus christ what a fool i was!). The final blow which knocked me back to reality was when I choose to hang with 'J' and another guy called 'E'. Unbeknownst, in the last week before I 'resurfaced' from what I see now as a period of intense emotional upheaval, I would be 3rd wheeling as went to eat at various locations as well as go to Karaoke and study in the library. On a Friday night after one of these events,'E' who lived quite far away in an affluent area near the shores, accompanied us deep into Western Sydney.As we waited at the station I seemed to melt into the background as they sat away and not talking to me snuggling together. Suddenly as we boarded the train i felt the weight of the entire fucking UNIVERSE land on my head and in complete and utter disgust i stood up and moved over to a separate seat. Our next meetup was to happen on the following Sunday and i spent in the entire Saturday sitting in my room with my head in my hands as the weight of what had transpired over the last few weeks dawned on me. I felt like a complete idiot letting myself become to stressed out over some girl. During the Sunday meetup at the mall I couldn't even maintain my composure I was shaking with frustration and anger yet also limp as a noodle. All that time wasted.... and for what?. Out of desperation I concocted a plan. I would tell her everything confess my feelings get them off my chest.
Here is where I must commend a friend of mine Ella. Ella you are tough and stubborn but also damn intelligent and a damn good friend. You helped me the most when I left my family and you also were the one who chained me back to down to earth and dismissed my obssessed ramblings about confessing anything. You remembered that I write for self therapy. Its not easy for me to say this in person so I'll write it here. Thanks alot Ella and I love you (platonically dont worry dont rip me apart if you happen to see this). The next morning I went and brought a fresh new notebook and wrote my heart and soul into the book and then burned it. I just want to get over this ordeal fuck I just wanted it to be overand I could go back to worrying about less trivial shit. Thus concluded this saga. People say that being in love is the best feeling in the world. I think they mean when both parties feel the same way. For me it was an intrusion and an annoying obstacle in my life that I am glad I have moved on from that drained me emotionally and wasted my time thinking about. Naturally it took a bit longer to slowly ease myself from talking to her at all. I find that completely cutting a person out of my life to be the only way of guaranteeing I stop reflecting on these these events.
I have a strange push and pull relationship with other humans. I find it very easy to open myself on command but i can also shut down and completely push people away. Like the hedgehog dilemma, I try not to get close to new people lest i scare them and push them away. But why is that? I think that throughout my life, while it is obviously hidden away under the surface and not immediately obvious to anyone other than myself , I have fought extremely hard and very long to nurture and shape and protect my identity from being overly warped by outside opinions and influences. Marilyn Manson, a long time personal idol of mine once said,
'“Part of me is afraid to get close to people because I'm afraid that they're going to leave.”
as well as
“When I was a kid I think the thing I remembered most about The Exorcist was Linda Blair being
possessed by the devil, and how scary that was. It had a lot of parallels for me because the movie was
challenging different ideas about faith and it was looking at religion in a darker way. Growing up I was
afraid of being possessed by the devil, as an adult I’m afraid of being possessed by the world, by
ignorance, and not holding on to my beliefs and what I feel strongly about.”
I am assuming here, but I have heard from some that relationships are about compromise. I have come to the realization that its not just my physical flaws that (i may be using as an excuse), but also the idea of having to alter any detail of my mindset, way of living or way of life that i find reprehensible. I have many, albeit grand, ideas and plans that i wish to to implement in the future. I want to live and take care of all sorts of pets, i want to join conservation efforts, i want to travel the world. I want to come home to a house with few neighbors and have a sound proof room where i can go inside and dance and sing to my hearts content. I want to make a difference in the world. Above all I just want to be me. As i write this i am tearing up, listening to John Lennons 'God' where with a voice that is both desperate and crooning as he says'
I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in I-ching
I don't believe in Bible
I don't believe in Tarot
I don't believe in Hitler
I don't believe in Jesus
I don't believe in Kennedy
I don't believe in Buddha
I don't believe in Mantra
I don't believe in Gita
I don't believe in Yoga
I don't believe in Kings
I don't believe in Elvis
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I don't believe in Beatles
(And after brief pause and a shaky gasp of air)
I just believe in me...and thats reality.
I find no matter how long it takes, its always good to finally be able to stop and reflect. History is there for us to learn from. While I am a mostly pessimistic( or as i call it realistic) person I will say that that I do try and take away a positive experience or try and see if I learned anything valuable from these crazy times. I would say that I now realise that these events shaped me greatly as a person. I developed a disdain for over superficial and materalistic people and learned to be careful of the time and emotional energy I invest in a relationship, while also teaching me to be wary of any woman who speaks proudly about ending all 7 of her past relationships on the basis on very few flaws on anothers part. Did I get too specific? Its just that this detail was one of the earliest things 'J' said to me and it was buried deep in my mind and in the last few days of that period, it was the only thing I could think about.
Even if my physical flaws disappeared over night, I do not think that I could ever compromise my identity for another.Not now, maybe not ever. Again I am pathetic no? Well yes maybe but I think that since there is no set rule that everyone must acquire a partner for life or to procreate, I can sigh heavily but still press on forward. As Bjork says, 'There is more to life than this'.
But still ....... the very idea of having someone to experience life and the universe with still draws me in. So for now it seems I am content with experiencing change on my own. To be human is to change. But I can say with certainty I wouldn't want anyone to change for me and I wouldn't want to ever change for anyone else.
The song Little Person - Foxtails Brigade (A Jon Brion Cover) sums this up quite nicely.
I'm just a little person
One person in a sea
Of many little people
Who are not aware of me
I do my little job
And live my little life
Eat my little meals
Miss my little kid and wife
And somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
I'll find a second little person
Who will look at me and say
"I know you
You're the one I've waited for
Let's have some fun."
Life is precious every minute
And more precious with you in it
So let's have some fun
We'll take a road trip way out west
You're the one I like the best
I'm glad I've found you
Like hangin' 'round you
You're the one I like the best
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
I'll meet a second little person
And we'll go out and play
'“Part of me is afraid to get close to people because I'm afraid that they're going to leave.”
as well as
“When I was a kid I think the thing I remembered most about The Exorcist was Linda Blair being
possessed by the devil, and how scary that was. It had a lot of parallels for me because the movie was
challenging different ideas about faith and it was looking at religion in a darker way. Growing up I was
afraid of being possessed by the devil, as an adult I’m afraid of being possessed by the world, by
ignorance, and not holding on to my beliefs and what I feel strongly about.”
I am assuming here, but I have heard from some that relationships are about compromise. I have come to the realization that its not just my physical flaws that (i may be using as an excuse), but also the idea of having to alter any detail of my mindset, way of living or way of life that i find reprehensible. I have many, albeit grand, ideas and plans that i wish to to implement in the future. I want to live and take care of all sorts of pets, i want to join conservation efforts, i want to travel the world. I want to come home to a house with few neighbors and have a sound proof room where i can go inside and dance and sing to my hearts content. I want to make a difference in the world. Above all I just want to be me. As i write this i am tearing up, listening to John Lennons 'God' where with a voice that is both desperate and crooning as he says'
I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in I-ching
I don't believe in Bible
I don't believe in Tarot
I don't believe in Hitler
I don't believe in Jesus
I don't believe in Kennedy
I don't believe in Buddha
I don't believe in Mantra
I don't believe in Gita
I don't believe in Yoga
I don't believe in Kings
I don't believe in Elvis
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I don't believe in Beatles
(And after brief pause and a shaky gasp of air)
I just believe in me...and thats reality.
I find no matter how long it takes, its always good to finally be able to stop and reflect. History is there for us to learn from. While I am a mostly pessimistic( or as i call it realistic) person I will say that that I do try and take away a positive experience or try and see if I learned anything valuable from these crazy times. I would say that I now realise that these events shaped me greatly as a person. I developed a disdain for over superficial and materalistic people and learned to be careful of the time and emotional energy I invest in a relationship, while also teaching me to be wary of any woman who speaks proudly about ending all 7 of her past relationships on the basis on very few flaws on anothers part. Did I get too specific? Its just that this detail was one of the earliest things 'J' said to me and it was buried deep in my mind and in the last few days of that period, it was the only thing I could think about.
Even if my physical flaws disappeared over night, I do not think that I could ever compromise my identity for another.Not now, maybe not ever. Again I am pathetic no? Well yes maybe but I think that since there is no set rule that everyone must acquire a partner for life or to procreate, I can sigh heavily but still press on forward. As Bjork says, 'There is more to life than this'.
But still ....... the very idea of having someone to experience life and the universe with still draws me in. So for now it seems I am content with experiencing change on my own. To be human is to change. But I can say with certainty I wouldn't want anyone to change for me and I wouldn't want to ever change for anyone else.
The song Little Person - Foxtails Brigade (A Jon Brion Cover) sums this up quite nicely.
I'm just a little person
One person in a sea
Of many little people
Who are not aware of me
I do my little job
And live my little life
Eat my little meals
Miss my little kid and wife
And somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
I'll find a second little person
Who will look at me and say
"I know you
You're the one I've waited for
Let's have some fun."
Life is precious every minute
And more precious with you in it
So let's have some fun
We'll take a road trip way out west
You're the one I like the best
I'm glad I've found you
Like hangin' 'round you
You're the one I like the best
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
Somewhere, maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
I'll meet a second little person
And we'll go out and play
