Roadtrip Reflections

On Monday I set off set off on the 1st day of a 5 day journey to a place called Callala  Bay. I woke up at 5:50 am and after having breakfast and giving my doggy a nice and juicy bone as a going away present, I made my way to Kogarah to pick up a friend who will be named S. Together we shopped at woolworths for what we hoped would be at least 5 days worth of food for the rest of our companions who were travelling by public transport. I was in essence, a package mule. Of this I do not really mind because I love to sing in the car. I listened to Marilyn Mansons new album, the Pale Emperor. While his voice has changed and he can no longer sing as good as his early days, the bluesy guitar approach he has taken really compliment his lyrics, which for me have always been the highlight of his artistry. A very nice album and new approach in my opinion

These friends of mine are, including myself, part of a university society named Chopsticks, which is basically a friendly organisation which seeks to foster a sense of friendship, belonging and companionship by using the banner of chinese culture as a backdrop to which the society creates events for people to socialise in, e.g. mah-jong nights, hotpot nights, chinese movie nights etc. I am not a very organised person and it was actually a shock to me how much behind the scenes work there is just to maintain a university club. There is a lot of bureaucracy, thankfully not the hardcore and aggressive type as expected within business and economic cultures. I voiced my concerns to S during the 3 hour drive down south of Sydney that I was not contributing much as a general executive. However after chatting for a while I realised that while I’m not one for crunching numbers, creating events and managing in a business setting, I actually do my best to create awareness through the society by being a helpful person and doing odd little jobs, usually in the form of manual labour. Also in the last year I’ve very much enjoyed creating opportunities through Chopsticks especially, for mutual friends of mine to meet and create bonds.

One of the greatest pleasures in life for me personally is the opportunity to share music and appreciate it. A friend from chopsticks, hereby referred to as K, introduced me to the work of the vocalist Mike Patton. Mike Patton is an extraordinary vocalist who with his never ending desire to experiment with new music, creates new bands and new music every 2 or 3 years and engages in all manner of musical styles from opera to extreme acapella and screaming techniques, to throat singing with his unique 6 octave vocal range. In the space of about a year I have discovered many new bands all which boast Mike Pattons involvement such as Faith No More, Mr Bungle, Tomahawk, Mondo Cane, Moonchild Trio, Peeping Tom, the ‘Music to make love to your old lady by’ album, collaborations with contemporary avant garde composer John Zorn and so much more. Thus I have come to the conclusion that thanks to K, my musical taste has transformed and expanded so that no longer am I the teenager searching for specifically emotional meanings in music, but a mature and avid listener who not only reads lyrics and researches artists backgrounds to form an emotional connection, but also one who enjoys the musical statements created by artists such as Bjork and Mike Patton and appreciates the intricate and complex technicalities that these musical statements are or produce. 

[IF YOU HAVE TIME PLEASE HAVE A LOOK AT MIKE PATTONS VOCAL RANGE VIDEO AND LEMME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!!!!!!]

I realised that I was saddened that while I am a person who thrives emotionally on music, K, who introduced me to this new realm of musicality does not have the same sort of connection to music as I do. But I have come to accept that that’s just how he is and I will always be grateful to him for this. As I sat in the car discussing music and watching S’s face for her reaction to certain music I realised that because music is such a phenomenally important part of my life, I find the act of sharing music extremely personal and intimate and thus I project false expectations onto others, such as the expectation of slightly romantic repercussions, especially if the person I am conversing with is a female, or the expectation of a deep and meaningful bond of friendship. Again as before I usually catch myself before I fall into the trap. I have had terrible experiences in the past in this area and do my best to save myself from these unnecessary pitfalls.

In recent times I have come to another revelation, this time on the topic of friendship. In moving back to my place for financial convenience and being able to be with my doggy, I’ve realised that I am in a prime position for friendship opportunities as well as being more capable of helping my friends be it creating opportunities for socialization or being able to help friends out with driving around or moving things etc. Ever since the day I ceased to love my own blood family I’ve struggled to reconcile the reality of the outside worlds expectations and social constructions of family expectations with the inbuilt defence that I mentally conjured up. That is, the concept that for me friends are my family. I am a horrible human being in the sense that I would be relived and happy if my immediate family die, but should my dog die, or any of my friends I would no doubt be distraught to the point where I would most likely spiral into a deep depression. 

One of the most poignant lessons from studying social work for me was the concept that grief is the price that we all must pay for attachment. It is this thought that fuels my fear of for example finding another dog to accompany my current dog but not wanting to cause grief should one die before the other, which is inevitable. In the same way, this concept fuels my fear of getting too close to other human beings because I fear how much it would hurt to feel the grief of a bond being severed by circumstances such as death or a falling out of friendship. As a person who has come to terms with the extremely likelihood that I will never find a true love to traverse life and its contemplation with, I have decided to slightly alter my concept of friendship.

The concept of grief as the price we all pay for attachment is a painful yet realistic outlook on existence. Without pain and suffering, I think that as human beings we would not be able to appreciate the little pockets of happiness in life however fleeting or large they may be, such as spending time with a pet, laughing with friends, experiencing the universe and music, the joy of reading, among others. I now think of friends as those very presence and existence provide essential lessons to those who pay attention and learn from them. The majority of my friends will come and go, teaching me a lesson or too about various subjects, some will pass by and give me lessons on compassion, music, science, attraction, morality etc. A small number I may form bonds that last the rest of my life. And while almost none will ever see friends as close family and feel the way I do, I just have to accept it. Most of us leave this world alone and thus I think I will fight onwards with friends being the catalyst for important lessons that, with my current mindset (that I think is positive and realistic) will only add to my experience of existence.

As of now it is 2:24am and sitting across from me is N, who in his pyjamas is quietly working on a 1000 piece puzzle. I wonder if by the end of roadtrip I will have become closer friends or learned something important from him. Basically this roadtrip is for the executives of Chopsticks to plan out the major events that are coming up such as our O-Week store where we seek to entice new members into our friendly and welcoming club. Of course sometimes people complain that we ooze exclusivity sometimes but I will do my job an executive to making sure people are having fun socialising. The house we have booked in right now is a quaint little house with a chess set, board games, close proximity to the beach but in the middle of fucking nowhere. I can’t even masturbate in privacy haha. Oh well. 

Before I started typing this up, I was helping out with the 1000 piece puzzle and I was playing a beautiful piece named ‘We’ll Always Have The Moon’, by Foxtails Brigade which brought me back to the time that I went on a cruise ship about a year ago but I never had time to write about it. Back then and even now, I remember how lonely I felt, listening to Foxtails Brigade while staring out at the immense and endless sea, with the moon shining, turning the ocean into a mass of tumbling silk. Every night I left my friends for at least an hour and went and stood at the very tip of the ship. The sight of the moon just hanging in front of me made me swell with emotion and most nights I cried because I felt so alone. I wanted someone to hold and talk to, someone with whom I could share this experience with. I didn’t have a camera that could even begin to capture the tranquillity and mystical nature of the moon and the sea. The eternal dance, the pushing and pulling, yin and yang. Most of the time I fear the ocean as I do not know what lurks beneath the surface and my brain kicks in paranoia mode and starts to conjure up the most frightening of creatures within my imagination. 

Thanks to that cruise I was inspired to buy the Bioshock series about an underwater city, which turned out to be one of the most immersive, plot driven and emotionally charged story based games I have ever played, with a soundtrack so hauntingly beautiful that I still get shivers when I reflect on it. I suppose as a human being with desires of the flesh I may never escape those moments of sudden need for a womans touch and companionship, but as Bjork always says, ‘Theres more to life than this’.

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As of this very moment I am lost in an endless dream of possibilities. A woman whose very words and smile could save me or utterly destroy me has entered my life, filling it with both pain and wonder. This will be the 3rd time that through the catalyst of music, I have found myself at the end of a very deep bond with another person. But again my self-consciousness about my appearance, the fear of rejection and the idea that if a relationship fails, then that is time lost and a part of me lost and broken is filling me up with fear. I am caught in a whirlwind of emotions and I am so very frightened and scared. Grief is the price we all pay for attachment. I feel very raw and vulnerable, to the point that if it all comes tumbling down, even my safe haven of music may not be enough to sustain me.