Past

I've had many unhappy and depressing things happen to me in the past. but due to my religious upbringing i suppressed all my emotions. When i began to forget restraining myself i began to morph into a hate filled and rage fuelled individual and I've been like that ever since. In 2006 during my first year at high school i thought i could kill myself in my sleep. Somewhere in the back of my foolish mind i seemed to recall hearing that if you slept underneath your blanket head under with no oxygen you would die in your sleep. I tried doing that for maybe a week, but i always instinctively twitched and created an opening in the bed for oxygen to rush into my lungs. 

I turned to certain music to keep myself upbeat and happy but i needed something more. Before i began this blog, I'd started to keep several notebooks. They were not diaries that i wrote into everyday. Every once in a while i'd pour into these notebooks all my anger and sadness and bitterness but after going through several of them, i realised i hadn't been able to move on at all. I was still angry and pissed and unhappy. Callously i burned most of these books. I've always had a fascination with fire. No i'm not an arsonist although if there were no laws i'd probably burn down some peoples houses for the hell of it. To me fire represented passion, love, anger, revitalisation, cleansing and a few other emotions that i can't quite put down onto paper. I embraced the idea of destroying my past with fire in some sort of sentimental ritual. But naturally all it did was grant me a moment of satisfaction. Even more so it instilled in me a realisation of how easily someone or somethings existence could be erased. It was the day that i took on the position of a nihilist. 

In order to ensure a smooth transition from my current life into the next chapter of living alone i began to search my room for any important documents i might need to take with me. It was during this search that i came across a final notebook which had survived the fire of my own personal purgatory. I looked at the book and its last entry was 8/8/11. I had written down some notes for myself.


It looked something like this


• Opinions are good but be prepared to defend or admit defeat.
• Don't set unrealistic goals.
• Speak out more often.
• Don't try and mould yourself into something you are not.
• Never lose your sense of independence or identity.
• This was the Year 12 picnic.

I'll burn this one later