Time Keeping

Personality Disorder Test Results #2

Sulfur

My guilt and my shame always sell me short, always feel the same

And my face and my soul always wear me thin, always under control

But the longest hours you'll have in your life

Are the ones you sit through to know if you're right

So I'll wait, but I pray that I'm wrong

Because I think I know what's going on

So let me get this straight, the only will is my own

I do whatever I want and stay alone

All my decisions make it untouchable and tainted

I'm gonna suffer for the rest of my life

But I will always find a way to survive

I'm not a failure, but I know what it's like

I can take it or leave it, or die

Stay, you don't always know where you stand

Till you know that you won't run away

There's something inside me that feels

Like breathing in sulfur

My life is undone, and I'm a sinner to most but a sage to some

And my gods are untrue, I'm probably wrong, but I'm better than you

And the longest hours I've had in my life

Were the ones I went through to know I was right

So I'm safe, but I'm a little outside

I'm gonna laugh when I'm buried alive

Like breathing in sulfur

Like breathing in sulfur

-Slipknot-

Current Study Plan

Arts ( 3 years )

     - Music (Major)

     - Japanese (Language)

     - History and Philosophy of Science

     - Sociology (Preparation for Social Work)

Social Work ( Full Time 2 Years) 

Time to wake up earlier and start studying again

The Gardener

I'm not man enough to be human
But I'm trying to fit in
And I'm learning to fake it

Don't ever meet their friends

It tells you too much

Or not enough

Or worse

Exactly the wrong thing

Every nuance

Every detail

Every movement

Every smell

Sound

Phrase

The way she laughs

These are the things that you obsessively fetishize

Or make yourself grow to love

But you are supposed to be done growing

She is still growing

Its like a garden with two flowers

One just blooming and casting a shadow

Just like yours

Then it becomes struggle

Of sunlight

Or rain

Or weeds

She and every she

Is doomed to be your idea of her

She and every she

Is doomed to be your idea of her

But worse so,

Back to the point

You are no longer the flower

And the sun

And most importantly the garden

Or the gardener

A muse

Your amusement

I am used

Its all ruined if you meet their friends

You never wanted

To share

Your concept of your creation

With any other gods or worshippers

Your book isn't burned

It was never written

Your book isn't burned

It was never written

I'm not man enough to be human

But I'm trying to fit in

And I'm learning to fake it

Me

You know them moments when you look in the mirror and you think holy shit that’s me  because for some reason it feels like the person you’re looking at in the mirror is an unfamiliar stranger and you begin thinking about how you’re a person on a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe and for a few minutes you ponder the origin and the meaning of existence and then shrug and return to your computer.

Nexus of Identity

Every person is not a single individual, but a nexus of power struggles. Within each individual is a multitude of identities fighting to surface. Each of these identities represent a specific emotion, ideology, thought process, or belief. What makes someone so interesting is his or her complexity, a result of these struggling personas.

Under extreme stress, or through an epiphany of some sort, one of these personas may surface in the form of violent anger, euphoric religious ecstasy, or perhaps even a different personality altogether. When an individual embraces one of these personas, he is no longer himself because he has forsaken the other personas that struggle and comprise his nexus identity.

When a person identifies with only one or a couple of these personas, when he or she submits to it, that individual becomes very simplistic and loses the identity that made them so interesting. 

Even when one of these personas become dominant over all the others, similar results can occur. This is why some people are often angry for no given reason, or religious to the point of obstinacy. They have embraced a certain persona that has manifested into their general personality.

Now everything I just said is purely philosophical and I am using these "personas" as analogies and metaphors. I'm oversimplifying the concept of cognition, conscience, and emotions for the sake of clarity and argument. There's no scientific basis for my claims and I do not intend for them to be taken literally. I'm simply expressing a way to perceive an individual's personality and the internal struggles he or she endures.

Evolution took it's biggest turning point when monocellular organisms arranged themselves in clusters. Anything you reckon to be an "individual" is only called that for convenience. We are each collectives, dependent on the entire universe for our existence.

The most intelligent people on the planet are actually empathetic and altruistic ( unselfishly concerned for or devoted to the welfare of others ).

There are tiered layers of intelligence. You start with dumb sheeple who will always protect their family/kin/religion/country without asking themselves why. They genuinely love things because they genuinely believe in love. But they're kind of dumb, and they stick with what they're told and don't question it.

Then you have the business people, who are cynical, and selfish. They pander to opinions without really having one. Some do, and make sure their customers share their opinions. They're generally hedonists, but they have the tendency to fall into addictions and get caught in cycles of revenge and hatred.

Then you have indifferent scientist types who are smart enough to stay out of trouble, are generally hedonists, and view the universe in materialistic, mechanical terms. They're generally Atheists. They're very logical, and they recognize themselves as a cause of physical phenomenon. They might still be caught up in the emotional immaturity of hubris. They may not recognize that their gifts are arbitrary as the outcome of a dice roll.

Then you have the few people who make the real breakthrough: Pantheists. They recognize the interconnectedness of the entire universe, they consider things like what causes the continuity of consciousness, how individuals are actually collectives, how time is divided into moments, what the smallest moments are, whether the universe is part of a cyclical cycle, whether the human race collectively has intelligence, etc.

You're God.

Nihilism

Nihilism is, simply put, nothingness.

The most common form of nihilism is existential nihilism, which states that life has no meaning or value. 

Morality is non-existent and trivial, since the complete absence of values can lead to no other conclusion than the futility of creating morals.

In psychology, nihilism involves some emotional dynamics that are essential to the understanding of the psychological processes behind nihilism.

1. Nihilism represents the irrevocable loss of meaning.

Emotional dynamics: fear+guilt

Guilt evokes the feeling of futility.

2. The material world has no meaning.
 
Emotional dynamics: fear+envy.

Envy controls fear. Envy sustains the belief that it would make no difference if the world didn’t exist.

3. The euphoria of egotism.

Emotional dynamic: Narcissism.

The individual creates his own form of reality and therefore meaning. The individual is free and creates his own morals and values.

Universally Broadcasted Message

 

The Arecibo message was broadcast into space a single time via frequency modulated radio waves at a ceremony to mark the remodeling of the Arecibo radio telescope on 16 November 1974. It was aimed at the globular star cluster M13 some 25,000 light years away because M13 was a large and close collection of stars that was available in the sky at the time and place of the ceremony. 

The message consisted of 1679 binary digits, approximately 210 bytes, transmitted at a frequency of 2380 MHz and modulated by shifting the frequency by 10 Hz, with a power of 1000 kW. 

The “ones” and “zeros” were transmitted by frequency shifting at the rate of 10 bits per second. The total broadcast was less than three minutes.

The cardinality of 1679 was chosen because it is a semiprime (the product of two prime numbers), to bearranged rectangularly as 73 rows by 23 columns. The alternative arrangement, 23 rows by 73 columns, produces jumbled nonsense.

Dr. Frank Drake, then at Cornell University and creator of the Drake equation, wrote the message, with help from Carl Sagan, among others. The message consists of seven parts that encode the following (from the top down):

1. The numbers one (1) to ten (10) in binary format
2. The atomic numbers of the elements hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and phosphorus, which make up deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA)
3. The formulas for the sugars and bases in the nucleotides of DNA
4. The number of nucleotides in DNA, and a graphic of the double helix structure of DNA
5. A graphic figure of a human, the dimension (physical height) of an average man, and the human population of Earth
6. A graphic of the Solar System, showing the Sun and the planets in the order of their position from the Sun: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto (Pluto has since been reclassified as a dwarf planet by the International Astronomical Union, but it was still considered a planet at the time the message was transmitted)
7. A graphic of the Arecibo radio telescope and the dimension (the physical diameter) of the transmitting antenna dish

Because it will take 25,000 years for the message to reach its intended destination of stars (and an additional 25,000 years for any reply) the Arecibo message was more a demonstration of human technological achievement than a real attempt to enter into a conversation with extraterrestrials. 

In fact, the stars of M13, that the message was aimed at, will no longer be in that location when the message arrives. According to the Cornell News press release of November 12, 1999, the real purpose of the message was not to make contact, but to demonstrate the capabilities of newly installed equipment.

Illusion Of Time

We are living in a culture entirely hypnotized by the illusion of time, in which the so-called present moment is felt as nothing but an infinitesimal hairline between an all-powerfully causative past and an absorbingly important future. We have no present. Our consciousness is almost completely preoccupied with memory and expectation. We do not realize that there never was, is, nor will be any other experience than present experience. We are therefore out of touch with reality. We confuse the world as talked about, described, and measured with the world which actually is. We are sick with a fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas.

~ Alan Watts

Bland

I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked.

I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Sydney right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You.

Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping through and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough.

Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says 'GO'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic.

Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus.

Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change.

Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars.
Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi.

Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your fashion blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it.

Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable.

I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it.