Evanescence 2012 Sydney Concert

I've already dedicated an entire segment of my blog to my undying love for Amy Lee so i'm going to keep it short.

It's already been a whole day since i fought my way through the sweaty mosh pit, deprived of water and tired but it did not matter one bit to me. I managed to make it to the centre of the cord but was pushed aside by some fat fucks and i ended up at a shitty angle but i still managed to record at least half the bands songs. BUT SOMEONE STUPID FAT FUCK BITCH PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY SO THAT I MISSED GETTING A CUSTOM MADE GUITAR PICK THAT THE GUITARISTS WERE CHUCKING TO THE CROWD FUCK YOU WHORE

Anyway for 5 years i had been waiting for Evanescence to bring new songs out. And for the 1st time in my life, i was close as i ever could be to the woman who introduced me to Korn and Nirvana and whose music stopped me from more than one occasion from killing myself or suiciding. Knowing that there were others out there who suffered internally just like me gave me some strength to keep pushing forward.

 


The energy in rock concerts are absolutely amazing, i do not regret one bit attending as it may be the last time they tour sydney and the only time ill ever actually get to be at any sort of concert. I was glad the band played their newer material as well as some old favourites and the songs were brutally heavier when played live, so much that i could actually feel the ground vibrating and my whole body tingling over. and Amy Lee's vocals were absolutely spot on, her stage presence amazing and the overall energy of the entire concert was beyond description. 

 

The only thing i regret is not being able to actually meet her in person after the concert, i was told they had to board the next flight out for New Zealand, which is completely understandable but i was saddened nonetheless. Not because i couldn't take a photo with her, not because i couldn't get a hug, but because i couldn't thank her in person for sharing her music and giving me strength to fight on and to tell her to keep on making new music, even if we had to wait another 5 years or more. The feeling of that night i will never forget and in a few hours all electronical records of that concert will be online, forever serving as reminder to myself the power of Amy Lee's music. 

 

Korean / Japanese Movies

I recently stumbled upon a korean movie TREASURE TROVE on youtube, ranging from Romantic Comedys to Gory Suspenseful Thrillers. My only regret is that ill be streaming at least one a day and therefore my uni work will fail but meh fuck  it why not, foreign films KOREAN and JAPANESE in particular, are sooo much better in terms of plot depth and character development, my god their music is soo much better as well, better than the recycled Hollywood shit we get nowadays

List of Seen Movies that ill slowly add to (includes some film length animes) - 4th Period Murder Mystery - 200 Pound Beauty - Blind - My Wife Is A Gangster - Whispering Corridors - Apartment 1303 - Cyborg, She - Pained - Cyrano Agency - Princess Aurora - Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance - Oldboy - Sympathy for Lady Vengeance - Silmido - The Homicide Case of Itaeyon - Moonchild

- Thirst

- Blood : The Last Vampire

- A Dirty Carnival

- Spirited Away

- Battle Royale - Memories of Murder - Ghost In A Shell - Akira - Sorum - Crows Zero - Audition - Ichi The Killer - I Saw The Devil - A Tale of Two Sisters - Going By The Book - Midnight F.M. - Reign of Assassins (This one is Chinese LOL) - G@me - The Man From Nowhere - The Loner - Welcome To The Quiet Room - General Post 506 - Running Turtle - Crossing - Tales of the Unusual - Infection - Red Eye - Bedeviled - Roommates / D-day  - Someone Behind You - Mother

Reassurance

On Saturday i drove through Epping and Ryde to meet up with the K11 group. Unfortunately i arrived late and shit i almost crashed at Concord Bridge because i was reading a huge map of sydney while steering, probably should invest in a GPS. Got there quite late but it was still quite enjoyable, not all of the group was there, which made it very clear that as time goes on it will only get more and more difficult to meet up. Chi that bloody hypocrite still came along but yeah why keep being pissed at him. We failed at making a human pyramid and what not, brainstormed a lot of pretty bad pickup lines and played Super Mega Ninja Destruction. Altogether a fun time. I always arrive to these gatherings knowing that its going to end way too fast for my liking. I get lost in the moment, am cheerful for a while, then holy shit its time to leave. I realised that I'd like to show my affection for everyone through hugging, but I can't bring myself to hug the girls, i can't tell what they're reactions would be, but at least hugging the guys is ok and doesn't seem to have many consequences. I walked pretty slowly to the car, not wanting to leave so soon but meh what can you do.


Afterwards we dropped Nathan off at the park and went to pass by Ella's house. Seems like she's sort of forgiven me for being such an asshole in Japan (note to self don't ever piss her off again haha). i don't think i'll ever have the time to actually work in that real estate place, it seemed like such a good idea at the time....
Then after that we drove to Kim's house. Now in general i really fucking hate religious people and if it anyway possibly, id destroy vatican city and every church in existence, burn down synagogues, demolish mosques, fly a plane into blood mecca and if it were scientifically possible, somehow erase all religious notions from the human mind. Its a bloody disease and it teaches kids to not question things and think for themselves BUT ANYWAY getting on with it, Kim and her family are the only Christians who i must say i actually enjoy the company of, despite my immense hatred towards religious people in general. But id be lying to myself if i did not admit that i quite like their family and their generosity. Although every since i found out Kim's mother had gone to protest against gay marriage, I've always wanted to debate her about it but why bother, id be disrupting the harmonious relationship i have with this family. Im a lucky person actually to know them. Ella got to have her therapy session and seems to have gotten over how much of a dick i was i Japan.


Afterwards i dropped Ella and her brother at home and decided to damn the consequences of my curfew and drive Rex home. Mostly because even though i consider him a brother i don't have much time to spend with him nowadays and part of me doesn't want to lose such a close friend. Oh and the fact that id prefer him not to be murdered at 10pm at Yagoona station. In order to really havce a proper catch up i refrained from cranking up any music and instead we talked. About a multitude of things, life, uni, friends, the future. Actually i don't really remember the details but the basic gist is still in my head. Sometime later the conversation turned to what would be the optimal age to die. I for one have always enjoyed the idea of suiciding at 27, I'm still working on the exact method right now. I was somewhat shocked yet pleased to hear that Rex and Peter had also considered 27 as a fine year to pass on. But somewhere in the back of my mind i still remembered him mentioning that he might like kids. I for one do not want any offspring and don't really care if I'm not evolutionarily fit. But i would assume that someone who wanted kids might stick around a bit longer? In the end i didn't press the question so only time will tell.


In order to show that i still trusted him closely i told him about my recent diagnosis of depression. In return he told me a story humiliation the details of which i will not write about for obvious reasons. I was at a loss for words and normally id try and offer some manner of counselling but i was busy driving and didn't quite know what to say to him. From hearing his story it was quite obvious to me that everyone has their own personal struggles that may seem very inferior to others problems. My own problems pale in comparison to Rex's and its because of his ability to so independent that i admire in him. I also hoped that because he shared his experience with me that we'd both reminded each other of how much we value each other as friends and brothers. I dropped him off and shook his hand hoping that we'd reinforced our bond somehow, if not well i tried.


Last two days at home have been a nightmare. I took another few personality test, the 4th or 5th of which I've taken over the last 2 years and every time I've arrived at the conclusion of ISFP

Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceive

ISFPs direct their energy towards the inner world of thoughts and emotions. They give importance to particular beliefs or opinions, particularly those that relate to people that they know and current experiences. They tend to take a caring and sensitive approach to others.

-----

Under job opportunities i saw the suggestions ARTISTS / MUSICIAN / PSYCHOLOGIST / COUNSELLOR

all were careers i had considered back int he day but was forbidden toe tidy by my fucking parents because they were supposedly shit jobs and that science was the way to go. My god I'm am so pissed off, confined in this little space and being controlled to the point of madness.


Today after 1 hour in a car listening to my mother ramble on about how I'm a lost cause and that I'm 100% wrong and that I'm not respecting my parents for not following in their beliefs. Every fucking time they start a religious conversation i try to not talk back because its a never ending cycle. They bicker on and on, then raise their voices then when I try to raise it a little they jump back and say AHA YOU SEEYOU RAISED YOUR VOICE YOUR DISRESPECTING ME etc. Jesus FUCKING CHRIST i just LOST IT today, and SMASHED THE GODDAMN WINDOW AND SCREAMED


that shut my mother up instantly and i got out of the car and walked the rest of the way. It was then that i realised how insignificant i was and how id never be happy being stuck in this emotional corner unless i left for good. Having no one to talk to, i called Kims mother, who suggested i go see a counsellor. But FUCK theres NO APPOINTMENTS LEFT TILL NEXT MONDAY. I don't know how much longer it will be before i finally lose it, it gets worse every time, wouldn't be surprised if i end up pulling a knife on my family and threatening to kill them.


The shitty thing is, ill have forgotten most of the details after a week as is my main problem, i get pissed off, harbour all this hatred and anger but after a while due to my faulty memory i forget all about it, but the feelings still remain. If i could leave right now with a few possessions and clothes, go and live in Kims attic and get a job and wait it out till next year before i can transfer to Mortuary.


But such is the fate of an ISFP, forever doomed to always be changing careers and interests. Seeing as ill never amount to anything artistically, ill probably be job hopping till my money runs out. Dying earlier than 27 is looking like a very nice option right now. 

Hypocritical

I've always been aware that many of the ideals i hold are not in good taste with society in general. I always reflect on how hypocritical i am for being able to be a nice person outside when i feel like it, but once I'm back in my house i revert back into a 100% aggressive and frustrate state. Today i was waiting at the bus stop i was hitting my head against a wall while listening to 'Negative Creep' because my father just called from Wagga Wagga to tell me how much of a failure i am for not sticking to a regular routine because apparently if you don't keep a standard regime of waking up at 6:30 am even if you have a 2pm class then you will forever be a useless idiot. I felt so fucking pissed off i wanted to smash the phone on the ground, but i remembered that my only solace was in music. so while i was screaming into a window facing away from the street, i didn't notice the bus drive pass me, then as i was thrashing around i saw my bus so i legged it. 

When i arrived at the door and elderly woman of asian descent was there trying to explain that she wanted to go to Kellyville. The bus driver was looking quite frustrated. Now usually I'm too busy being pissed off all the time to be caring about outside situations so normally i would have pushed past her and gone and sat at the back. But for some reason i decided to help her out by explaining in Chinese the instructions of how to get to Kellyville. Out of gratitude she gave me 5 dollars which i accepted and the bus driver who looked quite relieved that id sorted it out so he gave me a free ride home. For a moment i felt almost human there and wondered did i do that just for the money? I'm not quite sure but i actually felt good about myself for once.

Today i walked past jb hi fi at Parramatta and out of impulse i bought a Nirvana Live Concert from 1991 and i just HAD to buy it. I took it home and thankfully all the fuckers were out. So i loaded up the dvd and watched it for 2 hours at maximum volume. It was sensational hard to believe its been 20 years since Nevermind was released. Anyway in recent times i've been reflecting on my career choice and i've come to realise that the reason why i choose Forensic Science is because its the only way to somewhat fulfil the sick and twisted fantasies i have. In all honesty if i could, i would move out now, go work in a bar while living in a room with my CD collection, a bed and a roof over my head and of course id need a few skills like cooking and sowing while having time to pursue my interest in singing. Of course i haven't a shred of originality but i would at least like to find out how far i can push my voice.

Since university started  i haven't tried to put any effort into getting to know anybody. Mostly because its quite evident that people from Hawkesbury are already quite immersed into their groups. Living so far away from Uni means its a pain in the ass to meet up with anyone. Its difficult enough trying to keep contact with some old friends. I've already begun to feel like I've lost quite a few but then again i have been very picky and selective in who i choose to associate with so perhaps I'm just too antisocial to care. Every once in a while i will see a girl whose once glance will strike a dissonant chord within me. In January it was the cute girl who worked at the bakery who i tried talking to for a while then i realised i was just kidding myself so i stopped going around there. In February it was Manami, the pretty girl who played guitar and sang so beautifully, really made me realise how much i'd miss Japan (and her ahahaha but i don't even know her bahahahahaha). 

Well latest infatuation? Today i made a new lab partner a girl named Majadeh. Naturally the first thing i thought was jesus christ what kind a of fucking name is that? But as we went outside to sample the no. of lychens on the trees we chit chatted quite a lot. Eventually i found out she was doing Med Science and that she lived in Kellyville and a few other things. When the lesson was over she asked me to sit with her in Chemistry but i had a different lecture time so i had to decline. She looked slightly disappointed and i was disappointed as well. Sometimes i look back on myself and i think My God i am such a sad piece of shit, getting all excited just because a decent looking girl showed the slightest bit of interest in me. But most of all its because i know that if i let anyone close intimately or even a friend, once they see how drastically i change when I'm around the family and people that i hate, they will definitely begin to wonder why on Earth they decided to be my friend. 

Evanescence Concert within a week, its going to be fucking ORGASMIC i just fucking KNOW IT

Gallons of Rubbing Oil Flow Through The Strip

Well i guess its finally time to admit some stuff to myself and the general audience if they are still around otherwise id be a lousy blogger or whatever. I promised to be 100% raw and truthful and lately looking back on my last few posts I've gone way to soft and pussy. Time to revamp this place up a little


I think its finally time to admit to myself that i am a chronic masturbator. Yes i jack off, wank, whatever you call it. why do i do it? many a reason, with the main two being it feels pretty good and it saves me the trouble of spending time and money on a girl who would probably just use me financially. I see no problem with occasionally waxing my carrot to get over the sexual urges then getting on with life. Sex, do i really mind if i never get to fuck someone? On one hand yes it would be pretty lame to die a virgin, but like the great Kurt once said, nobody dies a virgin life fucks us all. But lately its become too frequent like an addiction. I don't think its quite alright to be masturbating at such a rate probably not good for me but meh.


I finally opened some bank accounts, and deposited a fair amount, now to just learn all the other billion facts of life that ill need. Being in uni isn't all that fun. for one i never really see my friends, 2 they probably don't see me as friends anymore and i don't have th motivation to try and keep in touch or bother making new friends. I've turned down a few people at uni and they looked kinda hurt but what do i fucking care I'm just here because I've been forced to choose something and forensics is the only thing that interests me, but do i really need this? 2 hrs travelling there and back, coming back to a house where the parents having kicked out the grandparents and thus having no one to bitch and scream at turn to me as their offload verbal punching bag, and when i finally yell back what do i fucking get, an order to stop yelling when they clearly fucking started it god sometimes i just want to grab the nearest kitchen knife and stab all these motherfuckers in the throat and twist the knife around so that the blood pressure spurts everywhere and i stab them over and over and over while letting out a tortured scream of sorts, everyday i have to battle internally and force myself not to retaliate because if one day i snap and it will happen unless something changes, I'm going to lose control and i don't know what will fucking happen.


It just so happens that my good friend Chi just sent me a message about how I've changed and put hoes before bros and how he doesn't really like how i refuse to make new friends. No.1 i will admit that i thought FUCK YOU for a few mins but then i realised hmm he does have a point but do i have to listen not really..... Actually i just finished writing a reply i can't be fucked talking about it again here...


WAIT NO FUCK YOU DISNEY IS NOT SHIT DISNEY WAS MY CHILDHOOD AND THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT IT AND YES MAYBE IM PUTTING HOES BEFORE BROS BUT SOO FUCKING WHAT, I MOVED FROM GROUP TO GROUP IN HIGH SCHOOL BEFORE FINALLY SETTLING DOWN IN K11 WHICH IS PREDOMINATELY FEMALE. YES I WILL ADMIT THAT PERHAPS IM SUCKING UP TO THEM AND IM NEGLECTING MY FRIENDS BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE NOT EVERYONE HAS A HAPPY DANDY LIFE. IT TAKES 4 TO 5 FUCKING HOURS TO TRAVEL TO AND FROM UNI AND THESE FEW GIRLS AND BOYS ARE THE ONLY FRIENDS I HAVE SURE MAYBE THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EM BUT AT LEAST I AHVE SOMETHING, I DONT AHVE TIME TO BE GOING OUT EVERYWHERE AND FRANNKLY IF I WAS TO LOOK FOR MORE FRIENDS ID LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSEM, NOT BACK AT THE FAGGOTS WHO MADE MY LIFE MISERABLE. I TURN DOWN OFFERS TO BE FRIENDS AT UNI, WHY? BECAUSE I SIMPLY DONT HAVE FUCKING TIEM TO MAINTAIN NEW RELATIONSHIPS


MAYBE THIS IS SOCIALLY UNETHICAL AND UNHEALTHY BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT IT WORKS FOR ME AND THATS ALL THAT I CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW


You know what I'm really fucking tired and i can't be fucked writing anymore fuck you all and fuck you mom fuck you dad, fuck you david mi for blocking me after finding out that i read the part where you wrote about how ugly i look well maybe I'm just an insecure faggot but FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL YOU STUPID FUCK MAY THE MAGGOTS TEAR YOUR FLESH OFF AND MAY YOU SINK INTO A PIT OF SHIT AND BE BOILED ALIVE WITH MOLTEN SILVER YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT YES THIS INCLUDES YOU MUM AND DA AND MY LITTLE BROTHER I CANT FUCKING WAIT TO SUCK YOU ASSHOLES DRY OF YOUR MONEY THEN IM OUT OF HERE FUCK EVERYTHING

On a slightly happier note... kind of... i've started drawing a bit again, its a good distraction from the hassles of life and it gives me something to do on 2hr train rides.... too bad I'm shit at it......

Several Uncomfortable Truths

I am wasting my life away on internet.


I can't keep relationships no matter how much i want to


I will never go back to Japan and eventually the people i meet there will be erased from my memory


I procrastinate all the time even though I know I'm fucking up my life.


Love is a combination of attachment and lust and a shitload of chemical reactions in our brain


Even after we've moved on, we will always wonder what could have been


They are never going to continue Invader ZIM


The little friends i have will never know how much they mean to me


All my writings and thoughts will be destroyed in time, even this blog


No one will remember me


My dog will die soon
Creationists will never die out.


No matter how intelligent you are, your point can and will be ignored if people don't want to know better.
In a world were everyone is special, being special means nothing.
No one is truly special.
Every problem you can face (and that actually matters) has been faced by someone else already.

You might think you know what true love feels like, but you will never know for sure.


I always wanted to be a musician or an actor but instead had to opt for university and i'm only doing forensics because I'm too much of a fucking pussy to leave and start over again and because i get off from the idea of blood and death


Even If i have any artistic talent at all i will never achieve anything


I'm a walking talking bacterial infection of failure

We, as a species, are going to die on this rock, and no one will ever know we were here.

Nothing ever lasts. Everything eventually ends. Nothing is forever. Love, every time you love you're setting your self up to be hurt in a later, undisclosed date. 

I will remember this an a few decades when i decide enough is enough

Daria Quotes #1

Daria: Isn't there any time when how you look 

doesn't affect how you're judged?

Jane: When you donate an organ. Unless it's you're eyes.

I've just rediscovered Daria, i remember watching it when i just started Primary on MTV, good times.... and one of the best shows EVER. How i wish i was born in the 90's

Yeah Fuck You It's Not a Tumblr Yet

10 Random Questions I'm Going To Try And Answer

1) If you could do anything you want to tomorrow, what would it be?


Take all my prized possessions and cds, a few clothes, my money stash, my papers and stuff it all in a car and drive far far away and camp in someones house for a while and go and audition for something musical or film related. Alternatively ill quit uni and either enrol in tafe / go work in a bar while working on my musical abilities. oh and drive off into the sunset while screaming "Smells Like Teen Spirit"


2) What are your core values?


But i don't even have bloody morals or even a conscience for starters. Well...That family is anyone who you want it to be, blood relations don't mean shit to me. When a person betrays you, consider the circumstances fairly, if its happened too often then cut him/her off. My goal is not to wake up at age 40 with the bitter realization that I have wasted my life on a job I hate because I was forced to deside on a career in my teens. Stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong; remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked; the truth and a lie are not "sort of the same thing" and there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza.

3) What are your special talents?


Being able to sing at almost perfect pitch with any of my songs (especially Nirvana) but only when I'm all alone.

4) What do you do better than most people you know?


View the world negatively and take sarcastic humour out of any senseless tragedy? Obsess over the history of the bands i listen till i feel like i know them personally? Appreciate good music and film?

5) What were your dreams as a child?


To start a band and get through high school unscathed. Oh and one day sing alongside Michael Jackson on stage in front of a huge ass crowd. Needless to say i wept vigourously when i watched his funeral.

6) What is the thing you are most proud of accomplishing in your life so far?


Having been to Japan and breaking off any emotional attachment to those to don't care about, especially my family whom i do not care for in the slightest and are only sources of financial security for me. Oh how i cannot wait for them to die.

7) What will you regret not doing in your life if you continue as you are now?


Not taking some acting and singing lessons and auditioning for something, ANYTHING. Oh and move out permanently and not look back.

8) What do you want people to say about you after you are no longer living? What is your legacy?

That of the friends that i loved i really did, that i loved them like family even though they never loved me the same way, that despite never being loved by a significant other, found peace and equilibrium through his attachment to music.

9) What do you want to do when you retire?

To be already scattered as ashes in a place of utmost significance to me. i don't plan to live past 27.

10) Outside of parents who influenced your life more than anyone else; who had an impact on your life and what was it about that person that meant something to you?


Ha influenced by parents, good fucking joke whoever thought of these and i stole from. It would be the musicians who i listen to. MJ because he showed how important love was to me at a young age. Amy Lee and Jonathan Davis because they showed me how one could channel all their frustration and anger through a musical outlet and got me through most of my adolescence. And Kurt Cobain who showed me the beauty of simplicity and the value of music over the lyrics despite his troubled drug addiction and bipolar disorder. While my own situation was not quite as extreme as his, my extensive research into his past revealed more parallels between me and him.


While it may is stupid to research obsessively so much into these musicians lives it brings me closer to them until i almost feel as if i know them like a friend. The impact their music their music has left on me is indescribable and only i shall ever know the feeling of contentment when i scream along to them.

Fucking University

- Stream Of Consciousness time-

Yeah uni is fucking hectic soo many cows and sheep and shit oh wait i forgot about how im alone with my music and laptop and haha theres a shuttle bus im doing what again? oh yeah scientific literacy introduction to chemistry biodiversity and forensic science cant wait to go splash pig blood all over the crime scene facility im listening to Blind - Korn fuck i hope they tour australia soon OH YEAH IVEGOT AN EVANESCENCE CONCERT jesus i cant fucking wait im giving up a lecture for it fuck uni this  a once in a life time experience mosh pit is going to be crazy probably get my glasses broken

ran around campus like a fucking retard coz some clashese clashed was told i should just change courses so i sank into a depressive state more depressive than usual even i was surprised i could do that but at the last minute i managed to get myself back on my hairy feet and keep moving forward. haha my parents got jealous that i bought more stuff back for my friends but then i should have hidden my gifts probably just made it more clear that i dont give a shit about them

seeing the k11 fort st kids again really boosted my happiness levels back up though i still miss the japanese peeps alot, even more so than the experience of freedom i had maybe one day ill go back but anyway met up with the lads and ladies gave out my various gifts and presents for the majority of the gifts i didnt mind giving it away because these guys and girls who may not care for me too much are my true family fuck respect for parents and blood relations respect should be earned

i love my friends and it saddens me sometimes that they will never know how much they truly mean to me i was soo bloody excited the night before meeting up i couldnt sleep and almost missed the bus been having alot of depraved thoughts lately not quite sure why i feel happy after meeting up with everyone but sometimes im seized by a maniacal homicidal urge or impulse for some reason if i can hold on for a few more years i can probably move out safely without needing to start over from square 1

hmm got alot of work ahead of me but its ok i think i can handle it *cue random loss off self control* started listening to a new band latest infatuation? the girl who sings in EarlyRise not bloody bad for a new band guess i have to admit that sometimes i like poetic lyrics and storytelling but other times its Korn and Nirvana the new speakers from japan work so beautifully i want to cry sometimes its soooo orgasmic the way the bass creates ripples in the air i leave it on all night so that im awoken by my speakers connected to the alarm clock on my phone at 6am in the morning

i looked at my travel diary again and laughed at the fortune especially at the "dont bother with love this year" part, looks like im flying the singles lane forever alone with music as my muse i guess its good enough for now after watching MTV one day i raged at how shitty it had become and suddenly i thought HOLY SHIT DARIA WAS THE BEST SHOW so i wet and watched it all again and i cried at how good MTV and life was back in the 90's i wish i had been born in the 90's fuckkkkk 

"Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone
else." - Daria

If only i had rewatched Daria just as i had been starting high school and burned this quote into the electrical circuits of my brain i wouldnt be such a twisted person anymore who knows probably maybe>? well fuck it its a good ideal but i think i quite like who i am right now i just dont like some of the people around me and live with and my current situation

but life is shit and then you die, why not plough on? i remember my friend K talking about how she wanted to die young but not too young i was thinking jesus fucking christ girl you're only in year 11 this year well haha i dunno why i cared soo much about her saying that seeing as my current goal is to join my personal lord and saviour Kurt Cobain and join the 27 club so it looks like i have... another 15 years to make the best of it before i go and fall asleep and not give a shit about nothing anymore? hmmm im ok with this