Hypocritical

I've always been aware that many of the ideals i hold are not in good taste with society in general. I always reflect on how hypocritical i am for being able to be a nice person outside when i feel like it, but once I'm back in my house i revert back into a 100% aggressive and frustrate state. Today i was waiting at the bus stop i was hitting my head against a wall while listening to 'Negative Creep' because my father just called from Wagga Wagga to tell me how much of a failure i am for not sticking to a regular routine because apparently if you don't keep a standard regime of waking up at 6:30 am even if you have a 2pm class then you will forever be a useless idiot. I felt so fucking pissed off i wanted to smash the phone on the ground, but i remembered that my only solace was in music. so while i was screaming into a window facing away from the street, i didn't notice the bus drive pass me, then as i was thrashing around i saw my bus so i legged it. 

When i arrived at the door and elderly woman of asian descent was there trying to explain that she wanted to go to Kellyville. The bus driver was looking quite frustrated. Now usually I'm too busy being pissed off all the time to be caring about outside situations so normally i would have pushed past her and gone and sat at the back. But for some reason i decided to help her out by explaining in Chinese the instructions of how to get to Kellyville. Out of gratitude she gave me 5 dollars which i accepted and the bus driver who looked quite relieved that id sorted it out so he gave me a free ride home. For a moment i felt almost human there and wondered did i do that just for the money? I'm not quite sure but i actually felt good about myself for once.

Today i walked past jb hi fi at Parramatta and out of impulse i bought a Nirvana Live Concert from 1991 and i just HAD to buy it. I took it home and thankfully all the fuckers were out. So i loaded up the dvd and watched it for 2 hours at maximum volume. It was sensational hard to believe its been 20 years since Nevermind was released. Anyway in recent times i've been reflecting on my career choice and i've come to realise that the reason why i choose Forensic Science is because its the only way to somewhat fulfil the sick and twisted fantasies i have. In all honesty if i could, i would move out now, go work in a bar while living in a room with my CD collection, a bed and a roof over my head and of course id need a few skills like cooking and sowing while having time to pursue my interest in singing. Of course i haven't a shred of originality but i would at least like to find out how far i can push my voice.

Since university started  i haven't tried to put any effort into getting to know anybody. Mostly because its quite evident that people from Hawkesbury are already quite immersed into their groups. Living so far away from Uni means its a pain in the ass to meet up with anyone. Its difficult enough trying to keep contact with some old friends. I've already begun to feel like I've lost quite a few but then again i have been very picky and selective in who i choose to associate with so perhaps I'm just too antisocial to care. Every once in a while i will see a girl whose once glance will strike a dissonant chord within me. In January it was the cute girl who worked at the bakery who i tried talking to for a while then i realised i was just kidding myself so i stopped going around there. In February it was Manami, the pretty girl who played guitar and sang so beautifully, really made me realise how much i'd miss Japan (and her ahahaha but i don't even know her bahahahahaha). 

Well latest infatuation? Today i made a new lab partner a girl named Majadeh. Naturally the first thing i thought was jesus christ what kind a of fucking name is that? But as we went outside to sample the no. of lychens on the trees we chit chatted quite a lot. Eventually i found out she was doing Med Science and that she lived in Kellyville and a few other things. When the lesson was over she asked me to sit with her in Chemistry but i had a different lecture time so i had to decline. She looked slightly disappointed and i was disappointed as well. Sometimes i look back on myself and i think My God i am such a sad piece of shit, getting all excited just because a decent looking girl showed the slightest bit of interest in me. But most of all its because i know that if i let anyone close intimately or even a friend, once they see how drastically i change when I'm around the family and people that i hate, they will definitely begin to wonder why on Earth they decided to be my friend. 

Evanescence Concert within a week, its going to be fucking ORGASMIC i just fucking KNOW IT