Reassurance

On Saturday i drove through Epping and Ryde to meet up with the K11 group. Unfortunately i arrived late and shit i almost crashed at Concord Bridge because i was reading a huge map of sydney while steering, probably should invest in a GPS. Got there quite late but it was still quite enjoyable, not all of the group was there, which made it very clear that as time goes on it will only get more and more difficult to meet up. Chi that bloody hypocrite still came along but yeah why keep being pissed at him. We failed at making a human pyramid and what not, brainstormed a lot of pretty bad pickup lines and played Super Mega Ninja Destruction. Altogether a fun time. I always arrive to these gatherings knowing that its going to end way too fast for my liking. I get lost in the moment, am cheerful for a while, then holy shit its time to leave. I realised that I'd like to show my affection for everyone through hugging, but I can't bring myself to hug the girls, i can't tell what they're reactions would be, but at least hugging the guys is ok and doesn't seem to have many consequences. I walked pretty slowly to the car, not wanting to leave so soon but meh what can you do.


Afterwards we dropped Nathan off at the park and went to pass by Ella's house. Seems like she's sort of forgiven me for being such an asshole in Japan (note to self don't ever piss her off again haha). i don't think i'll ever have the time to actually work in that real estate place, it seemed like such a good idea at the time....
Then after that we drove to Kim's house. Now in general i really fucking hate religious people and if it anyway possibly, id destroy vatican city and every church in existence, burn down synagogues, demolish mosques, fly a plane into blood mecca and if it were scientifically possible, somehow erase all religious notions from the human mind. Its a bloody disease and it teaches kids to not question things and think for themselves BUT ANYWAY getting on with it, Kim and her family are the only Christians who i must say i actually enjoy the company of, despite my immense hatred towards religious people in general. But id be lying to myself if i did not admit that i quite like their family and their generosity. Although every since i found out Kim's mother had gone to protest against gay marriage, I've always wanted to debate her about it but why bother, id be disrupting the harmonious relationship i have with this family. Im a lucky person actually to know them. Ella got to have her therapy session and seems to have gotten over how much of a dick i was i Japan.


Afterwards i dropped Ella and her brother at home and decided to damn the consequences of my curfew and drive Rex home. Mostly because even though i consider him a brother i don't have much time to spend with him nowadays and part of me doesn't want to lose such a close friend. Oh and the fact that id prefer him not to be murdered at 10pm at Yagoona station. In order to really havce a proper catch up i refrained from cranking up any music and instead we talked. About a multitude of things, life, uni, friends, the future. Actually i don't really remember the details but the basic gist is still in my head. Sometime later the conversation turned to what would be the optimal age to die. I for one have always enjoyed the idea of suiciding at 27, I'm still working on the exact method right now. I was somewhat shocked yet pleased to hear that Rex and Peter had also considered 27 as a fine year to pass on. But somewhere in the back of my mind i still remembered him mentioning that he might like kids. I for one do not want any offspring and don't really care if I'm not evolutionarily fit. But i would assume that someone who wanted kids might stick around a bit longer? In the end i didn't press the question so only time will tell.


In order to show that i still trusted him closely i told him about my recent diagnosis of depression. In return he told me a story humiliation the details of which i will not write about for obvious reasons. I was at a loss for words and normally id try and offer some manner of counselling but i was busy driving and didn't quite know what to say to him. From hearing his story it was quite obvious to me that everyone has their own personal struggles that may seem very inferior to others problems. My own problems pale in comparison to Rex's and its because of his ability to so independent that i admire in him. I also hoped that because he shared his experience with me that we'd both reminded each other of how much we value each other as friends and brothers. I dropped him off and shook his hand hoping that we'd reinforced our bond somehow, if not well i tried.


Last two days at home have been a nightmare. I took another few personality test, the 4th or 5th of which I've taken over the last 2 years and every time I've arrived at the conclusion of ISFP

Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceive

ISFPs direct their energy towards the inner world of thoughts and emotions. They give importance to particular beliefs or opinions, particularly those that relate to people that they know and current experiences. They tend to take a caring and sensitive approach to others.

-----

Under job opportunities i saw the suggestions ARTISTS / MUSICIAN / PSYCHOLOGIST / COUNSELLOR

all were careers i had considered back int he day but was forbidden toe tidy by my fucking parents because they were supposedly shit jobs and that science was the way to go. My god I'm am so pissed off, confined in this little space and being controlled to the point of madness.


Today after 1 hour in a car listening to my mother ramble on about how I'm a lost cause and that I'm 100% wrong and that I'm not respecting my parents for not following in their beliefs. Every fucking time they start a religious conversation i try to not talk back because its a never ending cycle. They bicker on and on, then raise their voices then when I try to raise it a little they jump back and say AHA YOU SEEYOU RAISED YOUR VOICE YOUR DISRESPECTING ME etc. Jesus FUCKING CHRIST i just LOST IT today, and SMASHED THE GODDAMN WINDOW AND SCREAMED


that shut my mother up instantly and i got out of the car and walked the rest of the way. It was then that i realised how insignificant i was and how id never be happy being stuck in this emotional corner unless i left for good. Having no one to talk to, i called Kims mother, who suggested i go see a counsellor. But FUCK theres NO APPOINTMENTS LEFT TILL NEXT MONDAY. I don't know how much longer it will be before i finally lose it, it gets worse every time, wouldn't be surprised if i end up pulling a knife on my family and threatening to kill them.


The shitty thing is, ill have forgotten most of the details after a week as is my main problem, i get pissed off, harbour all this hatred and anger but after a while due to my faulty memory i forget all about it, but the feelings still remain. If i could leave right now with a few possessions and clothes, go and live in Kims attic and get a job and wait it out till next year before i can transfer to Mortuary.


But such is the fate of an ISFP, forever doomed to always be changing careers and interests. Seeing as ill never amount to anything artistically, ill probably be job hopping till my money runs out. Dying earlier than 27 is looking like a very nice option right now.