The Sister who made me feel Love, if only for the briefest of moments

It's barely 3 days till i make way to Japan, i'm too excited to get away from my horrid house to sleep. 


How have i passed my time? I think i've got my uni timetable sorted but i think im starting to realise how Uni's just leave you in the dark and screw you over. meh, i bought a 1000 piece puzzle but ive only done the border (still missing some pieces) i thought that this could be a way to increase my patience but yeah doesnt seem to be working. 


I managed to finish the order of 500 coffee dispenser for work fuck, and ive also been contemplating getting some TATTOOS time to embrace my INNER ARTIST my body is my canvas,... although i have to admit that the tattoo artist is doing all the work HAHA


a Nirvana smiley on my right shoulder + an Evanescence flower artwork on my left would be just delicious


I've started reading the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, a book that has really cemented my stance as a relatively strong atheist. I am no where smart enough to fully comprehend all this book has to inform me but maybe someday i'll be able to debate any religious fanatical retard who starts asking me "What if God blah blah? *shove it up your ass* fuck"


Everyday theres a stupid argument from my parents or my brother, over the most unimportant shit. e.g who left the milk out? my brother clearly has a cup full of milk and hes drinking, he points at me and fucking screams VINCENT DID IT. i say, NO YOU RETARD YOU DID YOUR HOLDING A CUP FULL OF MILK, parents go OI WHY YOU CALL HIM A RETARD IT WAS PROBABLY YOU HUH? me... *i cannot even comprehend*.


Thus the daily reoccurence of bullshit recycles through and through. i cant help but feel murderous whenever my stupid dumbfuck of a brother manipulates my parents and gives me that wicked little bitch smile of his whenever the panrets arent around, knowing that he can fuck me up anytime by crying Wolf. Makes me wish i had ripped my mothers uterus out and stabbed the coiling fetus to shreds and fed the bloody scraps to a dingo 
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I remember that i always wanted a sister, never a brother, and since this blog is to show more of my true self i think its only fair that i talk about my sister who died barely days after she was born.

When i was around 7 years old my mother obviously became pregnant after fucking around with my dad and obviously feeling realll guilty cause apparently God said sex is immoral BAHAHAHA anyway, i was only 7 so i didnt think much of it till the day my sister was born though i had always wanted one because from my study of dogs i knew that two males would fight constantly while a male and female  would keep peace. When i walked in i was completely unfazed by the fact that my mother was covered in blood i was more interested in the contents of the cot beside the bed

Inside was my sister quiet as a mouse tossing and turning in her blankets. I had never thought about how much a sister would mean to me but i was completely overcome with a sense of lovingness that i have not felt since then. I asked if i could hold her. The nurse passed her into my arms and i fell back into the chair.

She was so light and fragile, i can still remember stroking her head of hair, it was quite short but wispy. But the memory that will always haunt me was when she opened her eyes and locked with mine. Her eyes were the darkest of browns, but sparkling full of life. I cannot fully express the multitude of emotions that ran through me when we first looked at one another and i can only replay the scene in my head over and over till it drives me insane. I say haunted because since i was only 7, till now i have always had nightmare where eyes have been looking back at me, and i cannot look away. Usually i wake up frightened and due to my forgetful nature i shamefully forget about my sister until a picture or a word strikes me and causes me to reminisce. I feel like a terrible person whenever i forget and remember, but chances are i will go to sleep and wake up and forget about her for another few days.

Staring back into my sisters eyes felt like an eternity in a deep abyss or well, i suddenly realised the weight of the responsibility that had been put on me, to take care of her as she grew up. But she never did. A few days later she was pronounced dead. Till this day my parents have refused to discuss her, tell me anything about her or tell me what they did with her body. Was she buried? cremated? used for stem cell research or something? i have never known my poor sister fate and i will die never having had a sister that i could love and possibly love me back. Now im stuck in a house with people i hate to their guts and every day its a challenge not to explode

I am doomed to live on the rest of my life reminded of my sisters fate at random intervals and die having never had a sister of my own. Quite possibly one of my main sources of pessimism.

Yes maybe i'd probably had not gotten on as well with my sister if she had lived but hey i will never know so thats why it sucks. And yes my parents have the right to not want to talk about it but to act asif she never existed at all? THATS TAKING IT WAYYYY TO FUCKING FARRRR

Excuse me while i wallow in self pity

While my sister died barely days later, i think it still think this poem is quite relevant

How do you love a person
Who never got to be,
Or try again to see a face
You never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one
Who never got to live,
When there's nothing to feel good about
And nothing to forgive?

I love you, little sister.
You're a person of the wind,
Free to be the memory
Of all that might have been.

I love you, little sister,
My companion of the night,
Wandering through my lonely hours,
Beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before
You ever can be born,
To live the lovely night of life
And never see the dawn?

Ah! My little sister,
You lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain,
And then, like yours, it's done.

I love you, little sister,
Just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
The angel of my tears.