So we had a few christian - themed sessions, we were spilt into groups for lulz and to make a 5 min film project which was a massive waste of time fuck should have had more chilling time. I used to be close to some of these churchgoers but one day i got sick of it so i ditched any relationship i had with them hence my reluctance to go at first because maybe if i get too close again and i talk about myself too much news of this might somehow reach the financial mules that are my parents.
During one of the attempts at all nighters i dont remember how it started but i suddenly realised i was being psychologically analysed by a girl named Vivein who despite her interrogating abilities insists she does not ever want to become a psychologist meh. So there we are discussing about my emotional dependence on music as a temporary counter to my pessimism and negativity when halfway through i realised something that this conversation would eventual steer into the "Don't you think that God can help?"
Fucks sake i absolutely hate people who spring that up, for a spilt second i feel like murdering you for being a stupid fuck who believes in the invisible wizard in the sky. But i've got to maintain appearances so naturally i went along with it. My frustrations subsided by the end of the camp as i began to speculate that perhaps it wasnt a mistake to reveal so much to these people as long as they shut their fucking mouths and accepted that i was only using the camp to get away from my shitty life. Clearly my narcissism is showing shit shit shitSo these guys have a tradition at the end of the camp which is to write affirmations to one another. Basically write a little note to each other person so that they can walk away with something after the camp. I'll admit i stole this idea when i went with some school buddies on a trip to the lakehouse. The night before the affirmation there was a little ritual where everyone dipped their fingers into the holy water and finding someone you want to show you care about and making a cross on their head and giving them a hug.
Because of my extreme stance against such displays i naturally retreated into a dark corner. Surprisingly quite a few people still gave me a hug and shit i wont deny that for a brief moment with each hug i felt a second of happiness but unfortunately it had to come to an end as does everything including life. Got home and i realised that i was empty again and frustrated as if the camp had never happened.
Then i shrugged and plugged in my music wait no my FUCKING HEADPHONES DIED FUCK
Time to splurge hard earned money on expensive headphones
I've been reading alot of dark books, just to name a few
1. True Extreme Crimes ( Necrophilia, Cannibalism, Ritualistic Murder etc. )
2. Forensics Notes ( Soo many cases of people being pronouced dead but they were actually in a comatose state with no heartbeat due to OD'ing on drugs woah )
3. Modern Theories for Serial Killers ( Medical Models, Evolutionary Models etc. )
Conclusion? My new obsession with how killers function mentally can be my substitute for learning psychology screw learning chunks of info, ill stick with Forensic Science wayy more hands on
yeah this went off topic and yes this is clearly a blog for my thoughts and not for impressing anyone *directed at Alfred Zou* :DIt is our failure to recognise the needs of others. and to act on them, that has produced a fertile environment for murder. The motivations that drive a person to commit murder are cultivated in the darkest places of the mind, but they do not grow without prolonged exposure to abuse and abandonment. Rejection, in its various forms forms, has turned people against one another. This circumstance if the darkest truth of all
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