While we sat in the bar and grill in Darling Harbour repeatedly smashed by cold winds from the harbour we had two tables filled with our little group. On my right was Chi who was on his 1st alcoholic beverage for the night. Opposite me were Sam and Aimee. Now this is an unfair generalisation but in my little mind i seem them both as our groups two resident hipsters. I don't mean it in a negative light though haha and on my left hand side right at the edge of our table was Annie.
Annie was a late comer to Fort St but nonetheless bought a happy aura with her. I remember how she messed with me and made me believe that she studied physics for almost a year before i discovered the truth. Anyway, while we were waiting for our meals that were ordered from an era ago, Annie asked me how uni and life in general was going. Now she is one of those i consider friends yet doesn't know about my personal problems. As i explained to her my desire to be 'reborn' i could see her face clearly etched with marks that spelled out disapproval
Being the ignorant and impulsive fool that i was immediately i thought to myself. Well who the fuck is she to question my motives? She doesn't understand shit. Fucking bitch fuck you for not approving of my decisions.. and many more of this sort of vile and aggressive ideas began sprouting in my mind. I spent the rest of the night in an internal brooding heat. I just couldn't bear to look at Annies face, a face that my mind had begun to distort the vision of, into a unhappy disapproving mass of muscle and skin. Another incarnation unnatural hatred had been created in me. I boarded the bus feeling so aggravated and pissed off that my brain felt like it being cooked in a pot swishing battery acid. It had been a long time since such hatred had been resurrected.
Over the course of the next few days i thought back at how i had reacted to Annie. While i don't think i let slip my emotions through any body language (maybe i did who knows?) I did regret my internal thoughts and i was now unhappy with myself again for having such little control of my neurons. I slowly began to pull myself together rationally. While i stood in the cold 5am wind getting ready for work i realised that no matter what decisions i make in my life there will always be those who approve of what i do and those who are against what i do. Annie had all the right to be disapproving of me seeing as I'm essentially abandoning my family to find my own way in life but of course she wouldn't understand the personal experiences I've had. Annie is just one of those friends whose opinions ill have to accept. There will always be some who don't like how i choose to run my life but what else can i do but accept their opinions and just get the fuck along with my life.
Update: And as if my reaction wasn't abhorrent and disgusting enough to begin with, i don't remember clearly whether it was before or after our talk that Annie so generously fixed my camera, but i don't even remember whether i thanked her or not
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