2013

I don't know what to write. Another year has passed and i very different and yet somehow still the same old and weary "soul" I've always been.

It came to me when I tried to classify our species and I realized that we're not actually "mammals". Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but humans do not. We move to an area and We multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. We are the plague.

There are so many levels on which i feel an immense frustration life and humanity in general. I am so bloody sick of living but i don't want to die just yet. I don't know its a complicated issue. I guess i could put it like this. I wish i had a button that i would carry in my palm at all times that would only materialize when i mentally willed it to and once pushed would cause me to fall asleep and never wake up again. That for me would be how i would want to die. Everyday I am frightened and paranoid and scared of how i will die. Will it be by a slow and torturous cancer, a horrific and gory homicide or a simple vehicle accident. Not knowing keeps me tense and vulnerable.

The whole concept of needing to find a person you could have a relationship is foreign to me. As a friend of mine acknowledged just last night during a open session of talking my self esteem and sense of self worth has been shot near beyond repair. And I find myself agreeing with an angry statement from another friend about my tendency to jump from one job or career path to another and how it probably meant that i would do the same thing to a person with whom i might start a relationship. It is but my nature to want change i don't want my life to be just conforming blindly and being wholly ignorant of the objective truth. Whether i find this objective truth is another issue.

My life at best is a failure in others eyes and a illusion to myself somewhere between moments of blissful happiness and feelings of such emptiness that i long for a way out. I spent the last two days staying over at a friends house and did the usual drinking chatting playing music and cards watching movies talk sessions and what not. It was a great feeling to be around my friends yet on the way home my music player had run out of batteries. It was an hours trek back home and i walked slower with each step feeling just so lost and alone. All around me people were stumbling on trains and path ways drinking and celebrating the passing of another year and welcoming a new year. All i could think of was who fucking cares. Superficial and materialistic bastards the lot of them. You're just a year closer to rotting in the fucking ground.

I have a relative morality which means i can alter my moral position at any given time to suit my tastes. Such as advocating group sex while abhorring group prayer. It seems hypocritical now as me of all people who would murder and rape you in ways you cannot even begin to imagine in my mind... is thinking of a possible career in social work. Think of the poor children who would be exposed to such a maniac.

A few days ago i applied for an Arts/Social Work degree. In the arts component one must choose a subject from table A and one from table B. From table A i may consider studying history. Why history? Because after leaving high school i realized i knew almost nothing of the worlds issues and i don't want to remain so ignorant. I want to understand past events and their significance and impact on the present. 

From table B I will choose History and Philosophy of Science. Why? Because while I would no doubt be an opposing collection of ethics and morals in the classroom I want to understand at least the issues surrounding Science at both a physical and philosophical level which i believe i would enjoy more than having to do the raw calculations that a required in purely scientific degrees.

It has come to light recently however that i may be able to study Music instead of History. Now personally i think that while i may not have the necessary imagination and creative originality required to create really good music this is my only chance at seeing what might have been. Music is such a big part of my life and keeps me going everyday like a dose of beneficial vitamins that i think I'd be a fool not to see where i could take Music as an academic and creative outlet.

Many of my peers regard my frustration and obsession with my past bullying as something that can be just cleared away or thrown aside. I am told just let it go. Well to those who continue along this line of thought i say fuck you all. Would you go to a recently fresh victim of sexual assault and after listening to their troubles just look them in the eye and say who cares just move on and forget about it. Try telling that to any victim be it mental or physical abuse to just fucking forget about it.

Here is where it gets tricky. I have a very low tolerance for humans and I find that i usually am impervious to the general feelings of full grown humans who i have almost no respect for. I find it interesting that generally it is those who are shunned by the general populace, the introverted ones and non conformists that find it better to associate and feel better dealing with animals or with small children. 

Why is that? Because children and animals are in a sense innocent. Animals are innocent in the sense that of all the animals, man is the only one that hunts its own kind but with a sense of pleasure and sometimes sexual excitement, a rather alarming and negative evolutionary leap in my opinion from the killings necessary for an animals survival.

With small children i find that those like me appreciate the importance of teaching young-lings as they are no doubt the future and their innocence should be protected in one way or a another and knowing that children are more open to emotionally accepting us. But here is my problem. Knowing that any children i deal with will most likely eventually grow up and become just more stupid mindless sheep being herded by those in power I would probably if the situation required it immediately be able to detach myself emotionally from these children having given into the frustration that is social media and peer pressure which will no doubt corrupt the innocence of these children..... Not that I am entirely against "corruption" as what one may consider as corruption another may regard it was necessary enlightenment.

Social work at best I feel gives me a career that involves interacting with people and I guess it will be a matter of smoothing out my tolerance of humans and a test in my resolve to stick to one career or idea. But then why should I stick to one ideal just because I've been told over and over that it is better. I would do well to admit to myself that i am actually really hoping to be able to make a living from my Arts component and not become chained to the mindless corporate system till the day i rot.

I do not particularly like the idea of going back to university and becoming a debt slave for the majority of my remaining years but i have to admit it would a once in a lifetime experience in learning more about the world and maybe, just maybe find some more people or friends i could share my thoughts with especially my darker imaginings. I don't want to keep on hiding my true nature just for the sake of social expectations. Fuck social expectations. Fuck conformity. Fuck materialism. Fuck consumerism. Fuck it all. Fuck this world. Fuck everything that you stand for.

It was around a year ago today that i decided to open this blog and pour my thoughts as a form of therapy (which doesn't really work i have found) and for anyone who happened to be passing by. It was a year ago today that i decided to be brutally honest in expressing myself and saving myself the trouble of having to compulsively lie over and over to maintain a somewhat acceptable social persona. 

It was a year ago today that i realized that while I try to come off as a very logical and intelligent person I am not actually very good at translating my thoughts into everyday talk and find it easier to write things my thoughts out. Even so I am not articulate even at the written level and thus I must admit with a hint of self defeat that I am person whose life is mostly regulatedby frequent sudden bursts of emotion.

I have been writing for 4 hours now and have very little to show for it. Well here it is 2013. I'm not very big on resolutions but mine this year is to simply try and stop caring so much. Why do i even fucking bother.

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.  You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost heap.

We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world. 

 

Repeat After Me

              I Am Motherfucking Free



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