Futility

About a month ago i visited my high school to wait for a friend. As i walked through the school taking in the view i realized that i had only gotten worse mentally since i left it. The way i see it i have a appreciative yet hateful relationship with my school but more importantly it was the environment that nurtured those who ridiculed me and nearly all but destroyed any sense of self worth, self confidence and social ability.

I appreciate that for 6 years i was tested and tried and though i felt like ending it all, i see it now as a test of my psyche. I may have emerged from school a bitter cynical depressed psychotic and socially inept individual but at least I am still alive. I took a few choice pictures of the school including a tree that was blossoming in beautiful shades of purple

I can't imagine ever being a teacher. I would most likely view my students as either life long friends or little shits who clearly were going to end humanity, but to be a catalyst of change, watching people funnel in and out year after year, decade after decade going on to be mindless debt slaves would be too depressing. I guess that's just my take on it all.

In all honesty i don't like most of my cohort, i don't like many from the year directly below but i do like a select few from 2 years below me. I don't know how exactly i became friends with some of these guys and gals, perhaps it was bonding through the brief Japanese exchange or just a slow getting to know one another during my final years.

 

I remember before i joined K11 i actually sat in one of the corridors with a group of year 9 girls, one of whom has become like a sister to me now, partly out of an off hand attachment and a desire to start over and think about what friendship truly meant to me. 

 

The game Kingdom Hearts had a big impact on my life as well, its beautiful storyline and soundtrack which i still listen to these days forcing me to rethink my entire concept of friendship. Now that i look back i don't know whether to feel awkward, embarrassed or stupid, but when my shitcunt of a brother destroyed my ps2 and Kingdom Hearts game i actually cried. I didn't know how to use a computer to look up music or anything so i thought all was lost. I remember locking myself in my room with a deep pit in my stomach. The characters and their struggles and the music meant more to me than anything at the time.

When i learned how to download music the first song i ever downloaded was "Dearly Beloved" and i felt relieved i had stumbled upon something magical and personal, a drug that would always be there to comfort me, sooth my emotions and help me to get on with my life. Even in the toughest times.

*wipes tear*

I should probably write a separate post that details the plot of Kingdom Hearts in future

My god its been more than a decade since i first played this game....

I just let my stream of conciousness run free for a second and i was listening to the KH soundtrack haha so back to school related issues. I found a picture a while ago that discussed grades. Being that I'm not very good at socializing in the last few days i thought i would wait a year and show this picture to my younger friends as my encouragement and inspiration to them.

I don't generally like the idea of birthdays as they just remind me of the inevitable but i think in order to give a shot at maintain my relationship with these younger guys and gals on my 20th birthday i think i might throw a party and invite anyone i can. I will try my best not to obsess over ticking closer to death but instead try to revere in the fact that I've survived for 20 years and have had the chance to embark on my own spritually awakening and self enlightening journey. Part of me truly doesn't want to lose these few younger friends which is strange considering that I have been gifted with the ability to turn off empathy at will.

However all these mixed feelings about school and such must have really stirred up my subconscious basin because i had a nightmare a few nights ago where i was trying to sell a phone plan to a customer (I've got a new job at Vodafone you see) but a group of loud mouth punks were shoving their way over and elbowed my customer out of the way. 

As they spat on the ground and pounded on the tables rabbling loudly i recognized one face out of the crowd of greyed out figures. It was Vincent Tran a boy from my high school days and his head was tilted back with his mouth wide open cackling madly slapping my computer screen aside. 

I had a large cup of water in my right hand and in desperation and frustration i threw it at him only to find that i had inadvertently let go of the cup and cut my palm open and all the water was spilled on the floor. The crowd roared even louder with pails of laughter and my ears began to ring. I began to sweat and i grasped my right wrist trying to stop my bleeding hand from dripping anymore. 

 

Suddenly everything turned a shade of black and the puddle on the floor became quicksand and i fell through the ground all sound and sight having been swept away in a flurry of black feathers. 

~ I may never be able to move on from this after all ~

On the other hand 10,000 views? Haha not sure what to make of this