Today i picked up Ella, Virginia and Kelly and drove them to Serena's house as it was her birthday!! But i had to go deliver some pipes to Fairfield and refuel the car. As i was sitting there enjoying being around the company of my fellow mammalian primates, Sang out of no where mentioned that she read my blog the other day and mentioned something along the lines of how it reminded her of her year 11 blog (or her year 11 self :/ i'm not quite sure what she actually said, i thought she was subtly laughing at how retarded my blog was LOL) and how its title was also based of a Korn song, namely "I'm Here To Stay".
I personally thought it was awesome that this girl who i didn't know quite well but still respected her for her wit and artistic prowess and mastery of colour would even bother to read my crap and that we BOTH LOVE KORN :D. But then i realised something. While part of me wants to be 100% truthful and document what i really think here online in the form of 1's and 0's so part of my legacy will live on in the virtual world, i can't help but feel ashamed that people would bother sifting through my angst bullshit. Damn oscillating frequencies. Meh fuck it i'm going to come clean about something now. Might as well.
One year ago today, i gave up on a girl that i was madly infatuated with. Her name was Vivian ( I had no chance anyway now that i look back). As i write this i know i'm probably socially fucking myself up but hey if i'm not going to be truthful whats the point of having this blog? Anyway, now that i look back on it, i was dealing with a girl way out of my league yet probably too materialistic for my liking. If i could quote a song lyric that reflected my feelings it would be the following
"The 1st time I ever saw you
You had that far away look in your eyes
And heaven's light singed down upon you
And the whole room filled up with light"
- Slash
I shall of course now explain my analysis of these lyrics and why i thought they were significant. I caught the train with her every Friday and from the 1st day i was infatuated with her bubbly positive personality. The 'far away look' is what her gaze was like when she stared out the windows of the train on its way to Strathfield where she would change trains to get to school. I'm not quite sure if its just a figment of my imagination but i swear the 1st day Rex invited me to sit with Vivian and Vivian (there was another as well) when i walked down in the carriage light filled the via the window carriage and illuminated where she sat........OK I'M QUITE SURE MY IMAGINATION WAS JUST BEING RETARDED...(oh god why am i doing this)
But getting on with it. Last year at the same birthday e.g. Serena's, i heard a certain someone yell out that i was in love with Vivian. To this day i'm not sure whether she heard it but when i got home i was devastated. It was perhaps one of my weakest moments. Depression washed over me like a relentless tide and i went through every depressing love song i had on my mp3 and it was also the night i discovered Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, their song "Love Hurts" was my emotional stimulant for the next month or so.
Dear Reader before you laugh your ass off at how pathetic i was, please consider that it was a typical teenage moment and i must be a fool for recording this here but having met Vivian again today, i had forgotten about this incident but when i started to reminisce, the sensation was painful but not as painful as before. It was part of my growing up i guess, realising that i'd wasted a whole year yearning for the attention of one girl who probably never really cared about what i thought. It did however straighten my thoughts out. I recovered with the knowledge that it was pure infatuation and a result of electric impulses running through my brain, resulting in the creation of chemicals which i mistakenly thought was "Love". Not my proudest moment but i think its safe to say now that i've grown up a bit (I hope).
Sigh now that i've gotten that out of the way, a little something else. As i was driving some of the guys back, i couldn't help but feel somewhat proud of myself despite my lack of social relationships. Reason being was because once i had mentioned my plans to leave home forever. Immediately the guys i was driving started giving me tips and ideas and advice for the future. I've always been ridiculed for not having many friends, but i like to think that i'm picky and choosy so that in the end of the day the friendships i form are actually worthwhile, not just mere acquaintances with randoms.
I only recently discovered that Salvation Army, a group that i've dutifully donated to for many years now has an extremely anti gay policy and i also found out that the majority of its funds actually don't go towards helping the poor but more towards the organisation itself as it is a church and uses most of its money to fund church related activities. I was so fucking pissed off that i swear from now on i will NEVER donate money to these intolerant and homophobic bastards and i will only ever donate to secular organisations.
As for my good friend Rex. If you're reading this i know that you blocked me on Facebook which is no biggy and that your reason was because you didn't want to reveal to me that you're now a devout Christian. My answer is, look i didn't become your brother just so that i could mess with you and just leave it at that. Whatever you believe as long as it makes you happy i don't care what you are. HOWEVER if i'm going to ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL as my conscious demands of me i will admit this. Whenever i find out people are religious i lose quite a large chunk of respect for them and usually this chunk is never recovered. Also while i would like to suggest that i have no problem with religion was long as people kept it to themselves, it is no doubt an impossible thing to ask of religious folk because they will ALWAYS TRY AND PUSH THEIR BELIEFS ON YOU as they believe that they are doing their moral duty.
Long story short, Rex you are still my blood brother and i will care about you BUT you will now have to live with the knowledge that to me, you are now significantly weak minded and pitiful in your choice and have lost quite a large portion of my respect for you. If you can live with the knowledge that thats what i think i'm sure we can still be friends. If not well best of luck with your newfound way of life.
- 9000 social points? (check)
Lost 1 friend? (check)
Social Ridicule? (check)
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