Self Destruction

It's a tiring and arduous journey for all humans, as we search for our own code to live by and methods to maintain our madness. Because ideals like fashion and sport and university and bits of fancy papers with my name on them are things that i cast aside as unnecessary, i've effectively begun to shut myself down and deeper into a dark corner of my own being. 


It's becoming slowly more and more apparent to me that those who i consider my dearest friends do not care for me in the slightest or see me as nothing more than a passing acquaintance. It is painful knowing that once i leave and try to rebuild my life slowly from scratch, I may not have anyone who can listen to my pain or rely on for company.


The never ending internal struggle between my desire for friends who i can easy mingle with is matched only by my extreme hatred and the idea that i need to rid myself of such miserable pathetic sky god worshipping slaves. But all my life thats all i've known, these abject slaves to mystical totalitarianism. 


The chances of me surviving the harsh reality of inevitable death are very slim. As my contempt for most things man-made, that including religion, grows stronger, i can't help but spend my days sitting in a chair staring at the papers laid over the desks wondering about the brevity of human life, the insignificance of our existence, the inevitability of my death, the destruction of all those i once cared for and the incomprehensible grasp of the universe. 


Numerous occasions occur daily where i have a momentary flash forward as i picture my life forwarding through working life, paying bills to faceless corporations until i die, be it of hunger, poverty, loneliness or whatever. I spend days on end reading about obscure topics such as psychedelic drugs that can enhance ones imagination.I constantly wonder about atoms and molecules and biology and psychology and some easier layman philosophy. I wonder about the point of it all, whether i'm right in choosing to be an existential nihilist, meaning all matter has no meaning. 


That we are byproducts of a evolutionary race for evolution, which have been sidelined by the near infinite inventions of man, especially the internet, i think then about the possibility of one day humans uploading their consciousness onto the wide web, what it means to be 'alive' and 'human' and whether creationists will ever die i, which from my various picking of information i have arrived at the viewpoint that we will never be freed of the poison that is religion until the day humans stop fearing death and truly embrace the short time that have in existence. 


It is unfortunate then that i choose to limit myself in all these situations by choosing not to study whatever i have been told to. If it were possible for me to live in a small room while everyday i researched any topic i wanted and began to long process of learning new ideas everyday and keeping hundreds upon thousands of journals of information forever in a bid to obtain as much knowledge as possible before the end, i would do it. Seeing as i have no one who truly cares for me i think that i could possibly give up companionship for a lifetime of knowledge. 


Yet alas it is not how the world functions. Money, the root of all evil. It funds our lives and funds all manners of evil doers and acts. Money has us working like automatons day and night so that we can waste it all away on materialistic possessions which he have no real need for. Money is what i would require to support such a lifestyle choice. It seems impossible then. I will be doomed to work till my bones ache and moan day in and day out to buy the necessary nutrients to keep myself alive slowly until the day my cells can divide no more and i fall into eternal sleep with the knowledge that my life was terrible and wretched and its too late to do anything about it. 


Enemies, you know who you are, all i have to say is, thank you for shaping me into the miserable wretch i am today, while i have now emerged as a depressed and bitter individual, i still have to thank you for being the catalysts of my awakening into reality, much like Neo of the Matrix. 


Friends if you read this know that i will still love you despite my moral and ethical shortcomings and know that my descent into self destruction has already begun, the hands are ticking slowly to both our deaths but all i ask is that if you find you can spare some time, i wouldn't mind the company to take my mind off my inevitable passing. I've already thrown away the majority of humane distractions so death creeps into my mind ever so repeatedly to the point where it is all i can think about.