Almost Time

I am a walking talking bacterial infection

I am a secular humanist

I am a militant anti theist

I am an existential nihilist

I am depressed
I am unmotivated
I am tired

I am cold and heartless

I am short 

I am ugly

I am over weight

I am a hypocrite

I am a liar

I am one who lacks empathy

I am one who has no friends

I am made of cells that are breaking down as time passes

I am going to rot in the ground 

I am going to be forgotten

I am never going to make a significant impact in anyones life or on the world

I am a slave to the material world

I am a slave to consumerism

I am unloved by a significant other

I am unable to love a significant other

I am a slave to my unconscious mind

I am bound to the revolving descending spiral of time

I am trivial

I am meaningless
I am useless
I Am Jack's Raging Bile Duct 
I Am Jack's Cold Sweat 
I Am Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise 
I Am Jack's Inflamed Sense of Rejection 
I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge 
I Am Jack's Broken Heart

I am just a statistic, but i want something more
I am not a unique and beautiful snowflake
I am the same decaying organic matter as everything else
I am part of the same compost heap
I am the all singing all dancing crap of the world

Maybe Self Improvement isn't the answer

Maybe Self Destruction is the key

It's hard finding a reason to motivate myself nowadays, what with me thinking about death all the time. and i mean ALL the fucking time. For example I'm on the bus home myself with some piano music buzzing in my ear and i notice a pretty young woman next to me peering through the glass. I think oh she's beautiful but then out of fucking nowhere, i think to myself, oh poor girl those looks aren't gonna last forever, maggots are going to enjoy burrowing through your delicate cheekbones. Then i think fuck why am i back here again and so i spend the rest of time on the bus home wondering which part of my body the maggots will target first. LOL FUCK YOU MAGGOTS I'M GETTING CREMATED FOR SURE.

Last Friday I met up with Nathan Chi and Lewis and Tranvinh and Jordan to play some computer games at Burwood. I got there a few hours early so i finished off reading Fight Club inside Hungry Jacks while leeching wifi. I haven't been uni in weeks, except for that one time i went to kick ass in a debate. But meh played some games then just Nathan Chi and Lewis were still around. Oh and i finished Animal Farm (fuck i love reading sometimes).

Anyway we wasted the night away chatting about the most retarded topics such as Chi's glasses festish, whether any of us would ever get a girl (HA) and then religion came up again. Sometime later Nathan asked Chi hey man have you actually read the entire bible?. Chi answered, well of course not, we only pick out the parts we want to read. GODDAMN IT I WANTED TO BITCH SLAP HIM RIGHT ACROSS THE FACE for being such a bloody cherry picking faggot idiot retard shit. Fucking HELL but i managed to restrain myself and not tell him that.. for now....


In other news ... i've jumped from drawing and playing guitar to reading (this frequent jumping of hobbies does not bode well for my future working life) ... Oh yeah Lewis gave me a quick tip on how to sew a hole in my trousers, went home and tried it and thought OH MY GOSH IT WORKED wait shit i used the wrong colour thread. Isn't this just pitiful?

Meeting up and hanging around with Ella Nathan and Lewis today has pushed a temporary stopper into the hole in my brain that worries about how many people i've ceased to interact with and the limited number of friends i have. I still think that i should be ok with a few close friends than a thousand acquaintances. People like Apollo look at me and laugh at me and think i'm stupid for choosing to fight against theism and organised religion. They laugh at me and say its hilarious that i'm obsessed religion. Yes i am obsessed you materialistic fucks, i am obsessed with seeing its destruction, although i do not expect it to happen in my lifetime. They do not seem to realise that Religion is POISON that infects young vulnerable minds and seeks to control our governments and its laws and protocols and our very LIVES, all the while looking forward GLEEFULLY to the destruction of the human race. Its now a fight between fundamentalists and anti theists and i can do nothing except stand on the sidelines and hope for the purging of the human race from this ghastly totalitarian fate.

Religious Oppression. It's all around us and its all around me in my fucking house. Every fucking day. Take yesterday for example. My parents are now aware of my anti religious stance but are not yet quite aware of the extent of my uncontainable HATRED for them. They bugged me for a good 2 hours about which charities i wanted to support. I told them look you know that i have totally different views and to make sure no offence is taken here i won't answer. I don't mind which charities you support. 

Then the question changed to what i thought of Mother Teresa. FUCKING HELL i TRY not to get into these arguments but they YELL and BITCH all the long asking for an opinion when i just know they are trying to provoke me and start shit going. After much bickering and demanding for a response i said well i don't like her because she cared more about converting the poor than actually taking care of them and went on to describe how Mother Teresa accepted illegally acquired money from corrupt politicians and sent the majority of the money to the Vatican Fund.

There was a moment of silence then lo behold ANOTHER shitstorm brew up, with phrases hurled at me that ran along the lines of

"Can't you ever NOT be offensive?"

" You benefit off this family and what we believe in!!"

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you!!"

" You are going to Hell for that!!!"

WELL FUCKING HELL I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE MY OPINION SO I SAID I WOULD KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. DON'T FUCKING ASK ME FOR MY OPINION THEN TELL ME TO SHUT UP YOU RETARDED FUCKS

I want to slit their fucking THROATS and prop their HEADS upwards and DANCE IN THE HIGHLY PRESSURED JET OF BLOOD THAT PUNCTURES THE ROOF OF THE HOUSE AND CREATES A CRIMSON RAINFALL

I don't think i can put up with this religiously oppressive shit anymore

While i try my best not to be a sexist most of the time, (note: "MOST of the time") I often find myself thinking the mostly terrible and depraved thoughts. For example, Chi said that the girl he had been admiring at university was walking a bit funny that morning. Immediately i thought HA she must have getting some pretty rough anal last night. But then right after i thought, shit why did i think of that. I try my best not to be such a misogynistic bastard but i guess it can't be helped. I mean there were no women in the immediate vicinity to hear me say this and the girl in question definitely wasn't affected in any way that i can conceive of so i think that while this is obviously quite a bad thing to say, no one got hurt? But then theres all this shit about reputations and stuff. Argh whatever.


In the book Fight Club, the men are asked, if there was ONE THING you wish you could have done before you died what would it be? Some answered 'paint a self portrait' or 'build a house'. I stared at this line for a few hours yet nothing sprang into mind. Only trivial thoughts such as, "get laid" or "learn to play drums" or "learn how to sing" come up. I'd definitely want to give these aforementioned ideas a go, but i sometimes get the feeling i'd just want to be remembered. 

But even that thought is disheartening. Even if you are remembered through the memory of others, these others will soon perish and your memories will have only propagated for a little longer in time. Ultimately there is no point in my existence other than to exist. Makes you want to just go out into the world right now and just do whatever the fuck you want. But as always i am a bound slave. You can only break free of those social economic and mortal chains for so long, before death grabs the chain by the end as he rattles with that ominous laugh of his and yanks you back into the pure black abyss.


But why is this question asked? What is the point of asking this question? I think the significance of asking this question is that at any moment, we homo sapiens can die at any moment and its better to have died with a goal than without none. How ironic then, that as of now i still don't have a clear answer to this question.

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero