Interesting Development

Recently i haven't been bothered to study because of my decision but zz might as well try to maintain the illusion of being a student if I'm going to stick around longer and leech as much money as possible. I had a rather interesting late night chat with Apollo and Alfred where Alfred asked me to describe what i didn't like about him and it led to me heading an entire 'Constructive Criticism' session. Naturally many harsh words and hostile attitudes arose and were hurled all over the place. Apollo wrote an especially scathing assortment of paragraphs which dealt with issues such as my lack of empathy (which i don't entirely agree with ) and the inevitability that i will never be loved by a significant other and how i was using Kim's family and how much description of her was horrid. That i'd have to agree with the significant other part and i did post the entire conversation online so it was only natural that Kim would eventually see it. Of course that meant that my relationship with her as a friend just got completely fucked but hey i promised i'd be truthful this year and deal with any discrepancies that arose and thats exactly what i did. I decided not to write one for Apollo despite my momentary surge of hatred and rage.

So i decided to not ask for boarding at her house because Rex had just shown me a great place 'Gumtree.com' where there is a massive database for the buying and selling of all sorts of goods and accommodation and even pets. I did however manage to secure a few connections that could possible lead to jobs in the future in bars or restaurants and other sorts of job provided in exchange i helped teach english to recently arrived in Australia folk. Meh why not maybe i'll look into expanding my connections a bit. Still every morning my mother screams at my brother and it makes me want to just walk downstairs and just slit both their throats for fucks sake. 

On monday i went to Hanhans party at a last minute notice and didn't have time to get him a proper present and i don't even know the guy well but he is a nice guy. Naturally everyone who went just went to leech off his hospitality and kindness. Hyprocritical no? because that was essentially what i did but i did feel guilty and tried to ask his parents if there was anything i could do to help like cleaning up and i did shake Hanhans hand and told him thank you but i don't think i showed enough gratitude but oh well. 

Today i went all the way back to Concord to pick up my laptop that i had left at Kims house from Lewis. The poor guy doesn't get any allowance, has been working at Easyway for 3 years and is doing a double degree and intends to go all the way to Masters which will take about 5 years. Every time i see him there he is down and he looks very weary. I don't know how long he can keep this up, he should probably quit for a while to focus on his studies but Centrelink wouldn't chip in at all. 

I then drove all the way back to Richmond. On the way there i decided to just let my mp3's shuffle and i ended up remembering that i used to listen to this Japanese singer called Gackt. I say 'used to' because his earlier work was more classical oriented where as nowadays he's bought into the whole pop success industry really sickening when you see artists who set out to create art for arts sake then give in the to pull of commercialism. Of course i pulled  all the windows up in case someone drove past my car and heard me trying to sing Japanese. I don't know Japanese just a few odd words and phrases and a bit of their alphabet but its the "FEELING" you get from music THATS what COUNTS. So i'm there singing along then i realise.. Motherfucker, the ONLY artist i can MATCH in terms of VOCAL RANGE and TONE is THIS GUY... why can't i match someone who sings in english farrrrrrr.... but it was nice 'rediscovering' his music having not listened to it in years. 

YOU SEE HIM CRYING THERE? THATS TRUE ARTISTIC PASSION GODDAMN IT 

(to anyone who's bothered to read this, please watch the video 

and disregard the fact that he is singing in Japanese.. just sit back and let the music take you somewhere... and if you don't mind... maybe reply as to whether it was good at all)

So i finally get to Uni and it turns out my practical is actually in two weeks so i basically just wasted a whole day fucking hell. I remembered seeing a music store somewhere near the uni so i went to have a look. Holy shit soo many CDs and merchandise for nearly every genre and the cashier was a cute blue eyed girl (now I'm DEFINITELY going back haha) and woahhh found a Nirvana and Korn T-shirt and even Emily The Strange merchandise!!! Too bad the shirts are 40 bucks each.

As i'm driving back home a few streets before my house i see that someone has smashed their car right into a tree. There were already crowds of people watching from all over the place some even sipping coffee and sitting in chairs, watching the ambulance workers and police trying to pry the remains of the corpse from the car. Seemed like there were two people in the car, one was a woman who pretty much had no head left as it had clearly been smashed against the steering wheel and it was covered in bits of flesh and blood. 

Outside the car, the ambulance workers were loading a body bag into the ambulance and you could tell that there was a body in there. I saw all this as the police were waiting for the right moment to let me through and pass on. My hand had inadvertently gone for the camera in my bag on the seat next to me then i realised that it would be in extremely bad taste to photograph some thing like this. I really have a problem with empathy sometimes, but I'm sure that if it happened to a friend i would be in a totally different emotional state probably abandoning everything to hasten to their side depending on how close i am to said person. 

As i pulled away i couldn't help but be disgusted at myself and also the people who had the nerve to pull up a chair and sip coffee and watch the entire scene. I remembered in year 9 when i used to pull any book with an interesting cover off the shelves and read it, a story where i learned what the term "Bystander Effect" means. From a psychologist viewpoint it is the effect where someone witnesses a tragedy or an accident that may or may not be traumatic but are hesitant to help because they are too afraid to act and they hope that someone else in the crowd will go first. I then remembered reading in the papers about the NSW police apallment at the general Sydney public for not helping several people in a crash in Eastwood many years ago and instead chose to stand around and watch as the man bled to death in his car. 

I then thought back to an incident a few years ago that occurred while i was in Lidcombe seeing a bone and muscle specialist who was going to help me with my broken shoulder. Just as we were about to begin we heard some muffled noises from outside the practice. For the 1st few minutes we ignored the noises but after about 5 mins it escalated into a scream. Me and the doc exchanged a few glances and decided we should probably go out and check what it is. So we ran outside and there was a girl lying on the ground crying and bleeding from her mouth. There was already a crowd of people gathered around and THEY WERE JUST FUCKING STANDING THERE. I asked what happened and someone murmured that 4 large tongan girls had beaten her up and taken her bag and legged it to the station. i yelled "WELL WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL JUST STANDING THERE?" and i gave her my phone to call her parents. The doctor had already dialled 000 for an ambulance as well kudos to him. Within about 10 minutes there was an ambulance and the workers helped the girl up into the ambulance and off they went. The crowd had already dispersed and although it seemed like it had never happened, i remembered walking past the same place a few weeks later on the way home and noticing that the pool of dried blood was still there.

It has become apparent to me lately that i may be able to slide in living alone easily when i leave or i may end up cold and alone in a small room let alone the streets. As much as i am excited that i will be free from my blood relations, i fear that i may go slowly insane and not be able to cope with such drastic change. Today i walked my dog and was almost overwhelmed with the knowledge that i'd never see him again. Assuming i have a place to stay, i could ask the landlord if a small pet would be appropriate like a cat or something, but it would be insanely cruel of me to replace my dog so easily. I also have no prior knowledge of how to cook. And what if i am unable to make ends meet? How my friends, scarce as they are, view me once they see how i've left my family so hastily?. Fear of losing them is by far my greatest fear, one surpassed only by the fear of pain of death. For as far as back as i can remember, i've always considered my friends as my family, obviously they do not see me the same way and sometimes i will admit it hurts but blood relations is such a medieval concept. I think that even the therapeutic power of music would not be able to save me during those cold dark nights alone